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before some Government officials in view of preventing the building of an airport
very close to Auroville land; they were so insistent that I had to sit and talk with
them for a while… And then G.G and S came to visit and I had to show them
around… Then I drove down to Pondy to buy some gifts for Samuel’s birthday, this
coming Saturday…
… The thing is that I do not particularly “like” people, at least those who are in
Auroville at present – I find it scary that Auroville attracts only this sort, rather than
individuals who are more open, more harmonious; and I definitely dislike what
happens between people here… I wish individuals would come who have already
tested the limits of human experience, who have discarded dishonesty and pretence
and yet have known to preserve a will and a love for harmony and are ready to
mature into a need for You…
But I guess it’s just that I feel lonely, or deprived…!
*12-2-1986, Auroville:
Some nights are such bursts of dreams… In one, Ar. has somehow managed to
bring, as a surprise, Auragni to me; she recognises me, with her deep, lake blue
eyes, lovingly; but I meet the light green eyes of Diane and it is like a shock, as if
those of a viper; and then confusion invades and falsity tries to block the way, with
people lying about me and fabricating stories about my present life, and even Ar.
gets caught by it… In another, I live in the city and there is a man, very sweet and
very gentle, who lives in the same street, and I know he will be waiting for me, and
I need his affection, I need to give that part of me… In yet another, there is a
complex development with “my” workers: I find that Devaraj has broken into C’s
house and I catch him, and beg him not to lie, not to lie; and the scene turns into a
much larger and complex event, where a large number of “workmen” are let loose,
without support or orientation, and they turn to the wrong route and begin to die
inwardly, and I cannot help because I am alone to see it, and I go mad and
desperate and I walk endlessly in the streets of this great and beautiful city, crying
for You, crying for Your world, and calling and calling…; and then I meet Shyama
and M, both much more beautiful and light and harmonious, with a joy full of fun in
them… And on and on…
… I am doing my night-watch at Matrimandir; I feel very tamasic, at present,
inwardly inert and dull; but there is also the sense of preparing…
Outwardly the work at “Ravena” is what animates my daily life, and then there is
also my relationship with Samuel; and there is the harmony of “Sincerity”, of the
house and the garden, of this solitude… But nothing deeper seems to move, not
even to stir…
In relation to Auroville, I seem to have lost all contact, but for that painful status
quo concerning Auragni: that just hurts, and nothing, nothing has changed; only
time has passed, and Auragni has grown, she will soon be 4 years old! And it’s like,
really, my life as an individual is an utter failure…! So, either I have not understood
my lesson and am merely resisting, or else there is something deeply wrong in this
Auroville I terms of its relationship with You and the guiding Force… The question
remains with me, unaltered…
*13-2-1986, Auroville:
When I read Your words about “the divine sun of laughter behind and within”, I
know the resistance of my shadowy ego…