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dullness, aspiration, ego-depression, meeting an obstacle, working over or past a
desire, waiting, descending, perceiving, feeling tender, or indifferent, or
eurhythmic… and all without the least sense of continuity…!
And the nights only contribute more questions, feeding the enigma…
*7-1-1986, Auroville:
N has been sick; I went and visited him at his house: he’s had acute dysentery…
… Juergen P came at lunch time to ask me to help him with some money, as he’s
having too many repairs at the same time at his place and cannot cope; I gave him
Rs.500/-, it felt right.
Kenneth came by: a “voice” had told him to come and see me! But I felt him open,
as if some inner part of him was asking for clarity, and there is a possibility of
communicating…
*8-1-1986, Auroville:
I have been struggling all day not to get sick; there is a strange physical
depression; struggling through waves of influence, as through my own ego’ peculiar
traits… There is a strange unease in the body – an unease which, I feel, could
declare itself in a number of different illnesses… There is some fever, the muscles
are weakened and the liver is acting up…
… R, at dinner, went on pushing his “scientific”, materialistic gospel of death…
And G.M all so eager to have his ticket for Sudan, escaping, running away…
*9-1-1986, Auroville:
I am amazed at how, depending on whom I meet, my reactions and responses
vary: I may be sad, or withdrawn, unresponsive, or I may be open and quiet, with
a quality of tranquil, positive joy, even though I may, as now, be fatigued… I no
longer try to find explanations for these changes of “moods”: it is too complex and
is at too many levels at once, though it translates not only in body expressions but
in actual physical emanations…
… Today with Robi we fixed the wheel and the wing onto the wind-mill tower, as
well as the tail, and we connected the rods, and at exactly 4.30 pm, the water
flowed into the pipes for the first time… Today is the 9
th
.
It has gone very well. Robi has done, with simplicity, a beautiful job all the way.
*14-1-1986, Auroville:
This evening C and I have a long entretien, about her work and the possible true
function psychoanalysis could have, or acquire, once its perspectives are more
founded…
*16-1-1986, Auroville:
I find it difficult to cope with the weight of this nonsensical existence, when then is
such an absence of need in most people; it intensifies the question, and projects
me in a state where only the awareness of what is called “accelerated evolution”
makes it all bearable…
And yet the problem remains of how to be resilient enough to keep the sense of
perspective, and allow for where others stand, in relation to that central need…