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*1-1-1986, Auroville:
I didn’t stay long at the Fire this morning; the atmosphere in Auroville is not very
good; yesterday night some of the Auroville kids got involved in a fist fight with
some village kids who’d come to watch the play… Boris got beaten up…
… The more I look for people with whom to communicate and the more frustrated I
become and the more the sense of being isolated grows – while, in truth, it is with
You, it is with the Lord within that the communication exists tangibly and is meant
to become more and more conscious…
I have often seen that I may experience a conscious, wordless communication with
someone’s inner being, but it only translates in the outer consciousness according
to the realisation that is there, or to the outer being’s traits and habits; rarely does
it ever correspond, and only in fleeting moments of gracefulness…
… Externally I am stretched out; it is very taut at the moment; part of me
complains, but I also know gratitude, because I sense Your teaching hand and
pressure and Your watchful presence…
Whenever I hold before me the reality of Your complete love towards all beings, of
Your active, discerning, total compassion, I feel so humbled...
*5-1-1986, Auroville:
Barbara came to have tea with me, and to ask me again to renew the contact
(there has been a distance since she settled anew into her family life), saying she
needs it to do her own inner work…
… This evening, C, R and I walked over to ‘Dana”; G.M was alone with Klara and it
was tranquil; I could feel again how much I love him, in a very human sense, and
how sad I am at his going away…
… I am afraid I am very taciturn these days, and uncommunicative; but with C and
R, there is a harmony we know how to share, which needs no words or outward
gestures; it is confident and open, and I appreciate it a lot…
Throughout the day I am often praying; I cannot say it is all the time, because I
still have these moments of desire, or else the awareness dulls and goes under a
veil of grey…
But I want to progress; I want to walk Your Way: whatever the Lord wants… And
when I am thus aware, there is the sense of a formidable security: everything is,
and will be, part of It…!
*6-1-1986, Auroville:
I do not understand how real equanimity is meant to develop here; there may be a
form, or an aspect of it in my daily life, but it is mere appearance, because in fact I
go from one state to another, from this moment to the next: joy, ease, fatigue,