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*26-11-1985, Auroville:
Such days are an enigma to themselves… On the one hand, nothing works and
every move is met with delays or breakdowns and every instrument fails; and on
the other hand, there is much energy, and a sort of placid trust… There is not at all
the sense that this entire material resistance means we have to stop what we are
doing or that we are doing it wrong… The well, for instance, turns out to be an
exceptionally good well, with deep cavities and faults in the sub-layers that are
huge reservoirs of clear water… And yet it is one obstacle after another: the “Abri”
tractor broke down; G’s tractor broke down; then on the way to a village where
there is a man who might rent us his own tractor, the Yezdi broke down… It was
past 6 pm when N and I finally returned to “Ravena” along with that tractor and its
driver (somehow, without my trying for it, he and I spend a lot of time together,
and this too is mysterious, considering the psychological havoc it causes in me!);
and later, returning from a quick trip to Pondy to buy petrol and diesel, I skipped on
the sandy canyon road and fell, bike, jerry cans, Narayana and all, and burnt my
leg on the silencer and broke a pedal… I have never experienced before such
situations… It seems sometimes that I am being connected to confusions and
encounters with Matter that are not my own: the state I find myself in at present,
in relation to Matter, is one that I have seen, over a period of time, occurring in
Janaka, for example, and in a different and more drastic way, in D.M… And I sense
that I must try and assimilate it well and deeply enough, before it gets worse… It is
as if a certain protection which I had learned to keep physically around me since I
came back, 12 years ago, is now proving insufficient; or rather, that I must learn it
all over again, in a more complete way… I saw this evening how I yielded to
confused energy and began to react stupidly…
*28-11-1985, Auroville:
I got rather distressed by the haggling over money; I was ready to send away
tractor, N and all, moved almost to tears in the face of this miserable game over
cash, pulling and bargaining; I tried to feint anger, but the emotion was stronger…
In the end we settled for a price, and the “Abri” tractor, now fixed, will come back
to work with us: Ramachandran had a very sweet and loyal response when he saw
me I that state… I like these people; but I want the work to be straight and
honest…
It is strange: I can still feel the tears rising…
… The well has been drilled down to 107.5 meters; the crew will have to ream it to
14” before placing the 6” casing in, which will only reach a 48 meters depth… I
don’t know why I write all that down; it’s like I am being pushed into this material
mind…
… With N it has cleared up a little; I am up against the state this civilisation has
reached, and how it is rooted here; simultaneously I find myself increasingly drawn
to it and, at some fine physical levels, assimilating it all in my own body and its
rhythms; and yet having to fight its obscurities, the lies and twists that have
become ingrained in its substance…
This year particularly I am aware that there is in my physical and subtle being a
movement taking place, which I don’t know how to define, but one would say that,
on those levels, I am becoming “Indian”… It’s been twelve years now that I have
not gone anywhere, and in a fine psychological way, within the body itself, it is a
fact that I can now sense quite clearly…