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588
I touch her, it is like a bursting, and we both hug each other so completely, without
a thought, almost madly…
*16-10-1985, Auroville:
This evening I had very clear moments with D.M and Janaka, at their place in
Pondy; I shall go on with the work… I had a quick dinner in town, by myself; P.P
was sitting there, and I was spontaneously glad to see him, back in Auroville… but I
had forgotten where he stands: I saw him glaze his eyes and turn away; I am the
Enemy…!
*17-10-1985, Auroville:
The situation with Ar. is precarious; she has a hard time accepting the opening up
of our relationship, and I do not know how to help… She came with me to
“Ravena”, then to Pondy, after the Puja. While we have lunch she tells me how
violently resentful at me she becomes when she cannot see me as much as she
needs to; that she cannot stand this any more and she is thinking to move away
from “Sincerity”… There is a kind of threat implied in the projection of such
dramatic move, but I do not mind now; I just want to walk; my need to walk has
grown: wherever, in whatever way, this life must grow into You; make me walk…!
*19-10-1985, Auroville:
I had a very interesting and complex dream-experience; it seemed to occur at
several levels simultaneously: I enter and begin climbing inside a very intricate
house, very luminous, with many storeys; at first it seems I am climbing down;
there are symbolic objects arranged in certain ways, and the general pattern seems
to be repeated, with variations, at each storey; it is all very colourful and quiet at
the same time, vivid and full; after many such levels, it begins to be that I am
climbing up rather than down ; and, with a sort of mounting joy and alert liveliness
within me, I also begin to try and levitate, as I do in some of my dreams when I
shift my centre of gravity and move in the air. Then I enter vast rooms, that are
empty except for paintings or illustrations on their walls, very rich in colours, all
relating to an epoch long gone, extremely evolved – and it has much to do with the
inner reality of the American Indian. At one point Samuel enters after me and runs
toward me in one of these vast rooms, all so joyful… Yet at the very same time all
this happens, it also seems that I am making a very difficult and intense physical
journey, filled with obstacles and psychological stress, on a lorry…
… I wonder now: if instead of this Kali Yuga we would live in Satya Yuga… I
presume death would still occur…: would we still aspire for transformation…?
Because I can see that, say, in my sattvic parts, I suffer from this twisted world and
I yearn for one of straightness – “Ritam, Satyam, Brihàt…”; and perhaps this very
suffering, or this very yearning, is itself too self-satisfied, and it keeps for itself a
part of the offering I need to make to That, to the new world…
*20-10-1985, Auroville:
I was supposed to drive with N over to some stone-quarry…
We were hardly on the road that my clutch cable snapped… But N kept focussed
and had it replaced in no time at all and we drove off; the place was actually farther
away than I had thought, in the area of Gingee – a large group of rocky hillocks,