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*27-9-1985, Auroville:
I have been given a work that consists mainly in watching; it solicits attention and
care, but nothing much else… I could surely yoke myself to some creative work as
well, by disciplining the daily time so I could paint again, for instance; but it seems
to be just a trick, now, an illusion, in the sense that it makes no difference to the
capacity to BE when nothing external happens, when no energies – with their own
purposes – are invited in or through one: death remains, separateness remains…
What I need, what I thirst for is to open to the movement of Your Force, to be
drilled by it, so that… Your creation takes place…!
But when I begin to feel, to experience something of it – and to hope that it may
have a bearing or an intent on this existence -, it dwindles away, and leaves me
groping after its trace, fixed in the perimeter of my own limitations; and I am
reluctant to go into the currents of habitual, un-offered energies…
I don’t know… It is surely Yours to decide, and I can’t complain… It is probably just
the ego, part of it, which misses the thrill…!
*28-9-1985, Auroville:
No news from anywhere, neither from Auroville, nor from inside myself… Have You
given up on us, on “me”? Sri Aurobindo says that the psychic being never makes
demands and is always surrendered to Thy Will, even if it be that nothing happens,
and one must obey an apparently pointless existence…!?
*30-9-1985, Auroville:
It seems that Your touch is back with me… But in relation to others I am caught
between two states, a strange helplessness and sadness, which is quite
overwhelming when those others are somehow close to me, as I feel then that I
ought to have something to give them, to manifest for them… I often think that
perhaps I must only learn to move deeper in it, with more confidence, dropping all
pretence at a reasonable and ordinary appearance, un-threatening, because this
sadness has also the character of a semi trance state – my ability to speak is very
diminished, and to formulate even the simplest statement becomes difficult; I don’t
know; I dislike so much, and feel so ashamed, to impose this sadness upon others…
And the funny thing about it is that, as soon as I am alone, it changes character
and becomes just a silent yearning that borders on a sort of ecstasy, with how
tangible the contact is and how intense the yearning…
*1-10-1985, Auroville:
Is there – is there not – someone on the earth, at this time, whom I can cherish
and hold and discover Your way with? I feel so sorry to have nothing to contribute,
nothing to offer… Sometimes it seems to me that the right relationship with the one
right person would be the key to my living offering, and all the rest would follow…
But it’s alright: I am facing the wall, and knocking at Your door; I do not wish to
escape. I only pray that this may be a real facing, a real knocking, on the real door!
I do not doubt the way, but I doubt myself, my own validity and my own
experience…