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*8-4-1987, Auroville:
Whenever the smallness of desire, of wanting, manifests, it becomes nearly
impossible to conceive of any human relationship that would be devoid of this
element of bargain. It says “if this one doesn’t at all give me what I need, why
should I ever be interested or why should I care?”, and many other such graceful
things…!
… I met Larry again after the work. Ed has plainly refused to return the borrowed
money; he doesn’t at all care for the house; he only cares to expand the land
owned by Auroville.
To me this is plain dishonesty: only it is worse than in the ordinary world because it
hides behind “new reasons”; I have no more respect for these people; and I wonder
what it is that Auroville does to individuals: sectarianism, clubism, territorialism and
complicity of interests, all under the banner of human unity and ecology…
What all the experience of “Ravena” has shown me isn’t pretty.
… I am to go and meet Larry tonight, so we can try and figure how to proceed. He
leaves for the US in 10 days or so.
For people, Janaka is “dead”; finished; over with; their sense of fraternity extends
only so far, as long as the interests of the “living” are covered.
What a comedy!
I still don’t know what to do. To trust is probably the only useful thing I can do!
… I received a birthday telegram from F.J and Ch.J; I should have expected it, but
it came as a sweet surprise; I had forgotten about it!
*9-4-1987, Auroville:
I had wanted this day to be unmarked and had asked Ar. not to do anything
special; yet when I returned home I found the house filled with garlands of
jasmine, and plucked roses and orchids…
It is strange: I felt no joy, not even pleasure; it is only gradually that sheer love for
the flowers themselves arose, and a certain respect and wonder at Ar.’s resilience
of affection… But later, by chance lifting a garland to attach it around my little
statuette of Krishna dancing, I uncovered something that had been wrapped
underneath: it is a most beautifully worked brass and copper statue of Ganesh, and
I felt delighted at once, that Sri Ganesh himself had come, the very sweet and very
true Ganesh…
… I didn’t want to see anyone today, at least anyone who would know of my birth
date; I seem to be touching the end of something human, the human experience of
relating, and I do not know what is on the other side…
After the work this evening I rode down to the beach with N, and I happened to
ride right behind Diane and my princess as they were driving that way; it was
painful: Diane turned once toward me, almost as if she had known I was there; she
saw me, and it took her an instant or two before she glanced away, and that was
the pain… Why, why all this?
When I came back, leaving N at his house, I found on the door a sweet sign from
G.M; and he had left there a tiny bronze Ganesh as well! Lord Ganesh really came
to wish me something today!
*10-4-1987, Auroville:
This afternoon Larry and Yaap came together to “Ravena” and we discussed the
practicalities of Yaap’s starting to build his own house in the adjacent field and how
I am going to keep things together on the site… It was a little tiring and it took