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to travel with them to Europe; they’ll be gone for 3 months or so. It seems that a
lot of people are taking a “vacation in the West” this year! I too sometimes crave
for places and cities where there is cleanliness and a minimum of material harmony
and order, instead of this growing, tentacular horror of carelessness and dirt…!
… This world is terrible: all the way I wanted to scream!
Where is the Force that can act over and through all these blind, low, insane forces?
How far into the insanity must humanity go? How far must the earth be defiled?
It is hard to be human!
*27-4-1987, Auroville:
The weather is tough, and we’re all tired.
I feel a strain that is almost unbearable, from just having to live.
… Larry came to “Ravena” this afternoon, along with Roy (fat and vulgar); he left
me his address in the US. Oddly, and weirdly, he made no mention at all of the fact
that I may be able to continue with the work; he asked no questions, and I didn’t
bring it up; it is as if, after some hesitation, he has taken the easy way out, letting
me get all the burden if I choose…
*28-4-1987, Auroville:
I am just holding on… I don’t think that it has ever been so difficult, or so
continuously, or for so long… Yet there must be, within or above, somewhere, an
awareness of being, of reality, against which every human experience is felt as a
contradiction or an infirmity…
… I realise now how much part or parts of me were eager to “relax”, to have that
break that stopping the work would have made possible. How I would have wanted
to go to some secluded, comfortable place, to concentrate in a beautiful natural
setting somewhere, doing nothing, worrying about nothing, with no responsibilities,
and to wait, wait for some clear direction or impulse, some orientation…
… G.G and S came here this evening and stayed a while; they asked me about
“Ravena” and G.G offered to write up a Project for some Foundation which, he
thinks, would surely give the money to finish the work and also maintain the place
for a while… So I shall help him to prepare it…
*1-5-1987, Auroville:
I stayed the entire day in bed; worried, because tomorrow I must get up and get
moving for “Ravena”…
What is difficult is that I have no sense of wanting to live, of wanting to serve.
… This afternoon in my sleep I was crying, because of what all You went through,
and because You had to go…
I need a sign: something…
*14-5-1987, Auroville:
For two weeks I haven’t written. I was wiped out: hepatitis; extreme fatigue, white
stools, brown urine, eyes and skin yellow.
In the first week it was as if nothing mattered anymore, nothing made sense. There
was no purpose any longer; not that I doubted Your Work, but just that it had
nothing to do with my life and being. All the failures and disharmony of the recent
past loomed large and there was no room left for trust or hope.