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to spend hours on end in that unclean hospital. But now that I see how J.P is left
neglected and uncared for, I have to see… And tonight Ar. saw that Kl had posted a
note in the Kitchen to the effect that there should be “no tourism in J.P’s room in
Jipmer and only serious people with the right attitude should come…”!!!
*24-6-1987, Auroville:
I’d like so much to see progress, real progress, anywhere!
I miss the experience of the Force acting…
Whether it is up to the individuals to call and to open and to receive, or that the
Force has withdrawn from Auroville, I do not know…
… Something is missing: is it merely a psychological fault on my part, or is it that
the time hasn’t come?
*26-6-1987, Auroville:
I am reading a book by a French lady, Janine Fontaine, on her own research into
healing, and this has stimulated that missing part in my experience; instead of
merely waiting, enduring, keeping quiet, it has sort of revived the sense of intent in
the call and of usefulness in making one’s movements conscious…
In the past few years every time I have read about a sincere research, genuine and
progressive and fruitful in terms of evolution and further human comprehension, I
have felt those two things: one, the regret that some of these individuals hadn’t
been able to come to You and to work with You; and two, a kind of secure awe that
You are so very much ahead of all of this that these discoveries are necessary
translations and emanations of the very first steps of the way You have cleaved…
And thus what was held within Your Experience is little by little spreading into the
world, a new realisation of the nature of reality and a maturing in man’s
relationship to the Supreme…
*27-6-1987, Auroville:
I seem to have become addicted to reading! Fleeing from my own stagnation and
feeding on the progress others make and share, or even, simply, on their life-
experiences! It is the small “me” that feels that way, that is afraid of sterility, of
barrenness since, in the eyes of the world, one is judged by what one produces and
contributes – and, on that score, I am pretty useless!
The only thing, the only movement that makes sense to me now is to let go!
To learn to offer my little shadow up, to let it melt and be no more, so that It may
be, whatever and however It Wills…
… I feel a kind of awed reverence towards all those individuals who believe and feel
that they’re existing to serve the Divine and to be its loving and serene and active
instruments…
But it feels to me also like just another trick, or another veil…
Only the Lord’s own existence and manifestation is worth it all…!
… Auragni, my princess, is today 5 years old…
Deep down, the pain is surely there. But I don’t go near it.
*28-6-1987, Auroville:
It rained throughout the night; the sick “Realisation” tree near the house toppled
down and crashed over the terrace of the house, breaking its rails; I knew its roots