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were damaged by fungus and I had wanted to take it out already last year, but it
had started to shoot new leaves and there were now flowers blooming…
… Maybe there is something wrong with this life of mine; it can’t seem to reach
anywhere. Always it is said that one must face the difficulties in the present life,
lest one has to face them again and again; but at this point I no longer know what
these difficulties are, that call for my effort and sincerity…
I stand before a wall that seems formidable. Whether it is objective or merely the
effect of my own, hidden resistance to the true consciousness, I honestly do not
know now.
I look and search and I try and grope and I hold on, but I can find no joy in the fact
of being, as an individual… I just don’t see the point!
And I can’t conceive of, let alone feel, any ulterior, future stage or state wherein to
be conscious will carry its own justification of joy…
Perhaps I am still prey to the conditioning of human time, as measured by the
duration of a human life, and I should simply relax and accept that it, It, does not
happen for the moment, trusting that some time, inevitably, It Will Happen…!
For, surely, there has to be a state of being that justifies it all, reconciles it all.
You said it. Sri Aurobindo said it.
And yet, You have suffered so much, and You too have had to “go”…
And what is left when the Two of You are gone?
… In a way I see – I have looked at it again – how terribly proud and unforgiving I
am… Because I cannot accept certain things in human life and behaviour,
particularly in people who pretend to be aspiring to a truer life, then I withdraw, cut
myself off, move away from an increasing amount of circumstances and situations…
And now, I can hardly move further away!
… I resent the lack of understanding, or perception, of what Auroville is about, on
the part of those who have seized the – relative – power of action and influence,
and even in those who just live here as in some “community”. I resent the
distortions they bring about. It feels as if Auroville has been stolen away from its
purpose. People have turned it into an experience that is devoid of interest or
meaning, and pretentious…
*1-7-1987, Auroville:
N explained what has been going on in his village – a collective pressure obviously
engineered by his wife and her relatives to make him return to her and to their
house, with the kids. There is to be a village meeting on Sunday to try and settle
the matter between them; I gather that the elders are also opposed to me as they
see me as responsible for his having gone away…
*5-7-1987, Auroville:
N came to tell me that the village elders have guaranteed that his wife would not
misbehave any more, and that she would work and keep the house and the children
clean; he is now to move back into his married life.
*7-7-1987, Auroville:
Despite the dull joylessness, the lack of flow, of purpose and meaning, despite the
barrenness of it all, there is also, although it is difficult to define it, a sort of
cleansing going on: an ending of the old, of the past – not only my own, but in