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the so-called “neutrals” and the Executive Council, of which he has become a
member; he isn’t without lucidity, at least mentally, about the whole thing, but it
pleases his vital to play that game, perhaps backed by a more genuine need to see
Auroville open up to a direction more worthy of You. I cannot disagree with him,
because he is just being himself…!
*19-7-1987, Auroville:
I will try and complete “Ravena”, Mother, and then You must clearly tell me what I
do. And that will be that…!
*20-7-1987, Auroville:
I had come to the conclusion, regarding N, that he’d been tricking me much of the
time, and that it’d be better to put some distance between us. There’s something I
do not know, which makes it all off-balanced; I am quite sure of it now; and it
works against both of us.
The atmosphere in the work is a little odd, especially since Jagannathan has left, for
higher wages; it seems actually that he’s been hired by Pete, and Pete would surely
have known that Jagannathan was working for me; so it is like that: Auroville today
isn’t such a good place; everything seems to be going wild, nothing stands to
replace the discarded ethics. And in that direction, inevitably, lies in wait the old
power of money… Almost everything I see in Auroville now, everything that is of
consequence in the daily life of Auroville, makes me feel nauseous and anguished…
… G.G and S came to visit at “Ravena” today, a gentle gesture, to inform me that
one of the trustees of that Dutch Foundation, a lady, would be in Auroville for a few
days, and I should try and meet her about “Ravena”, to ask for funds… Since there
is no effective coordination of all the projects at the moment, it is everything for
grabs! I am reluctant to run for the pie, but G.G said there was no other way…
*22-7-1987, Auroville:
I halted in the Matrimandir Gardens on my way back today; Ar. and a couple of
others at the Nursery had asked me to help them clean around the trees that F.Gr
has abandoned, and around Ruud’s grave; there was work for me there if I wanted
to help with the pruning; it felt good, and reviving, and I thing I’ll do it. I have
missed working in a team, for Auroville!
… I went to pick up that Dutch lady, Mia, and her adopted daughter, a young, very
interesting Nigerian woman, and I took them to “Ravena”; Mia had said at once
that there would be no chance of financial help, but they stayed a long time, and
sat quietly on the upper roof terrace, and I felt that their understanding and
emotion were genuine…
*23-7-1987, Auroville:
I can no longer take health for granted; it has become a constant adjustment, and
watchfulness, like steering a boat in an unknown sea. I have also to learn to
depend less and less on vital energies, and so, in ordinary terms, I seem to become
less and less capable. There seems to be some unavoidable transition between the
old, illusory, semi-conscious capacity (with its degrees and stages), and the new
growing awareness which will reveal the direct power of consciousness; a transition
that may last…!