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*10-6-1987, Auroville:
I was ill-tempered all day from having to cope with all these contraptions and
mechanical parts – the plumbing at “Ravena” and the installing of the diesel engine
here; fortunately Ar. helps and today she went to town and ordered barrels,
purchased oil and grease and such things that are, it seems, indispensable to life…!
It is always the same reluctance, or resistance, or even repugnance in me towards
most mentalised Matter – having to depend on it for everything else: the
dependence.
I have placed the last two geese. I am not very sure: it doesn’t express an easy
harmony; it isn’t a smooth flight of geese as one sees in the sky, migrating;
rather, it is a complex movement, and each is individual, although obviously part of
a thrust and a rising… Now the background must be plastered, egg-white around
the white of the birds…
… I am reading an interesting report, made, I feel, with sincerity, on recent
research done with people who have experienced clinical death and survived: their
experiences away from the body at that moment when they “knew” they were dead
or dying…
No one, I suppose, will ever be able to measure what You have done and are doing
to erode and dissolve that barrier, to “un-realise” or “de-realise” what we still call
“death”, and to teach us to open to what is to replace it…
*12-6-1987, Auroville:
There seems to be an un-doing process right now; making room; as if a sort of
slow gathering towards a new virginity…
… Ar. is now the one single person I have contact with in my daily life in Auroville.
Without her I’d only see the men I work with, and N. When I go to Pondy it is the
same; it has often struck me that I almost never meet anyone there: I can spend
hours there and only talk to the shop-keepers; and so I do not take my isolation as
merely the result of an attitude of mine: it may also be an expression of the Will…
*13-6-1987, Auroville:
It is as if I have never started on the way.
But physically there has come some stability: those deep chasms of fatigue have
gone and although I do not feel inclined to rely on vital energy, still there is an
improvement; I think the credit goes mainly to the practice of asanas, and perhaps
also to the fact that I have ruled to eat every evening a full plate of vegetables…!
I listen every morning to Your Agenda, while doing the asanas, and it is good, and
necessary.
But that’s about all the concentration I am capable of at the moment!
I have seen how much all my previous “efforts” and “attitudes” were a fraud.
I need my existence to be genuinely opened to Thee, to be opened by Thee!
*16-6-1987, Auroville:
J.P had a motor-cycle accident this evening on the main road; he was in the Jipmer
Hospital, unconscious, when first John H and Andy heard about it and went.
And today is John H’s birthday: I left flowers in his room…