725 / 1424
725
I look, and look, and look: isn’t all this a huge and vain comedy? What are we all
after?
Please, oh please take the ego away, please do that!
*23-4-1987, Auroville:
Je suis maintenant conscient comme d’une énorme peine qui s’est accumulée, et
qui demeure là, silencieuse mais écrasante, absorbante ; et je ne suis pas conscient
du Rire du Seigneur, ni de Ton Sourire, Douce Mère…
… C has been worrying over “Ravena” and trying to think out some way for her to
come up with the necessary funds to complete the construction; but I do not feel
that this would be the right answer; besides it would make a big hole in her budget
and off-balance all her equilibrium in her work… She has suggested I could take a
break, go and travel for a while, leave the context… I don’t know. I can hardly talk,
unless she asks questions…
I should like to feel that this condition I am in is the tail-end of the disappearing
ego…! I do feel sometimes the need to vanish – not materially, but in “myself”… But
shouldn’t there be some joy, somewhere, somehow?
*24-4-1987, Auroville:
C is such a real treasure: she had another experience at “Ravena” today, by
herself, while I was gone with Jagannathan to see for the sale of this wood; this
was an experience private to her, but connecting with the sense of essentiality, and
she felt very strongly, almost imperatively, that she must see to it that “Ravena” is
completed. When she later told me about it, it began to make sense.
And tonight we talked about that nearly-forgotten fund she had been keeping for
emergencies, for me, in an Account in Switzerland, which might be sufficient, at
today’ rate of change, to bring the construction very near to completion… And thus
it may be that I shall not have to stop the work next week…
I was at first reluctant, because of the personal aspect to it; I had hoped that
something would come which wouldn’t be connected to “me”, as a sign, something
that would say “yes, the Lord is concerned with that place and appreciates the
offering, and here are the means to make it whole!” This would have been much
like Your Blessings… But it may be so even this way! It is, I guess, this terrible need
in me, which has been so heavily and nastily denied, to find some measure of
acceptance near You…! Let us see, then…
*25-4-1987, Auroville:
I sent a message to Larry, in case we wouldn’t meet before he leaves for the US on
Tuesday, saying that I might be able to continue the work, with private funds, no
strings attached. I don’t know; I get rather hostile waves at times; I had the
impression that he might be upset at this news, in the sense of loosing control over
the place if I can go o by myself…
*26-4-1987, Auroville:
We started off at 8 am, B, Akash, C and I; we reached Madras before noon and
spent two quiet hours in the Taj.
R arrived at 3.30 pm or so, happy; I was glad to see him. B and Akash’s boarding
was due an hour later and we left them there, as several others from Auroville were