722 / 1424
722
long and I returned here late for the asanas; as my back is still hurting, I guess I
shall take a break till Sunday.
Soon I shall have to take a number of decisions, none of which I find easy, though
probably for someone else they would pass as small matters; but for me it is just
not easy to have to lay off someone, to be the instrument of such a drastic change
in someone’s life… I have also thought of trying to sell the logs of wood that are
left, so that some work may at least continue, but that too makes me
uncomfortable!
*11-4-1987, Auroville:
I have been asleep for so long; I thing I may have briefly woken up at the turn of
this year, but I relapsed. It is mere grinding, on and on and on: no fire, no opening
and no growth… I must say now that I understand why we, human beings, need the
whip of pain…! For it is only pain that makes us search for the Presence!
… This longing is crazy, to melt into a friend’s embrace, to kiss and to hold and to
be held; and N is so very sweet, but he doesn’t at all feel the same way and… it is
somehow cruel; cruel, because I have really tried to move away from those areas
of need and turn to the Presence, but I haven’t found the Lord’s hands, He has not
pulled me towards Him; and those longings catch up with me and overtake me, and
I live in a context which, compared to modern life in the Western world, is
extremely moral and conservative, despite of all its pretence at being the cradle of
a new world… And I can’t see that I am going to make any progress here if You
don’t give me a little push or help one way or another; or else I would have to
avoid all contact other than the most superficial or practical, so as not to be
reminded of these longings… Sometimes it is all so dark and hopeless for “me”! And
so very absurd…
… What is the secret behind it all? What is the hidden evolutive sense of it? With all
my conscious experience, with all my awareness at present, I see nothing that is in
any way superior, truly more valid or useful in “me” than there is in, say, N… What
is the point of all this? Isn’t all this ridiculous? Or else I am perhaps just a fraud,
nonsense?
*14-4-1987, Auroville:
In the midst of all the night activities, I noted some that had an interesting
character, and more depth of meaning: there were happenings in outer space
involving several people and, after some early attempts had failed, I was made to
try and locate the point of disappearance of those who had not returned and may
have had to pass over, to “die”, and I found the emotional traces of what had
happened to one of them, a black man, a lovely, wonderful being, and his contact
and his presence go very deep…
*15-4-1987, Madras:
Throughout last night there were odd bits of activity in many directions and areas,
between frequent waking from the mosquitoes and a tension or unease; and there
was a surprise encounter with someone very close, like a best friend or a family
member, who is “dying”, and I refuse to respond emotionally, but I put instead all
my concentration on the reality of consciousness, and he actually “revives”, but not
as he would with a vital breath: he revives with the breath of consciousness, a very
different event, in its quality and its simplicity…