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… N came, last night; I had prepared the bedding on the roof and we went up there
together after our food, and we met, and it was sweet and it felt that perhaps it
was important to him too, and his response made me grateful; but he left soon
after…
… I reached the airport well in time, to find that C’s plane was delayed and would
only arrive at noon; I came to the Taj then, and am now sitting in this cosy
luxurious place eating a kingly breakfast and hoping the book-store will open soon…
… I know nothing; I am trying to unravel the mesh that has got me entangled
again; there are worlds of things there, and I guess I could write for ever about it…
But I need to know the Lord’s hand in it all. There is always this ashy taste that
comes from having wanted, pulled and obtained something that didn’t just bloom
out of genuine recognition and abandon… I have tried hard not to do just that, but
there are many ways one takes, to still do it while seeming not to do it! I can see
also, though, that I may simply be grateful for what has happened if I remember
the very stuff of N’s own life-experience; I need not feel betrayed then, because I
know that he never intended to cheat me!
This particular trend is inscribed in my whole time in Auroville so far and, at this
point, it is far from positive; there is nothing outwardly, in the context of this
supposed collective experience, which helps me in any way to break through my
own limitations to give more, contribute more and participate more… On the
contrary everything tends to throw me back into calling directly, alone, at the
Source…!
And I honestly do not believe it is all my own ego’s projection. Auroville, humanly
speaking, isn’t a place of progress in the real sense; not anymore, or not now, or
not yet. Things have crystallised in the ways of ignorance; spontaneous attitudes
do not reflect any attempt at growing more conscious, but a sort of self-justified
seeking for a middle-term harmony, not ever looking behind or beyond…
I seem to follow a slow movement of inner realisation, wherein material existence
gradually, and inevitably, enters a new perspective; it is the sense of time, as
measured in physiology, which poses problems: that is where one is bound to
ignorance.
… But I still ignore what is the real sense of this contradiction in my life that has
brought about the separation from my only child – the one being who could have
reconciled me to the world. From that side no sign has come yet of a change, not
even of a promise of a change, and years have already gone by…
Somehow I do feel like a guest in this world… Often unwanted, or merely
tolerated… I know that, for this as for all the rest, once away from Matter, when
one goes to rest, all is understood in truth and simplicity, and all contradictions and
all judgements vanish, and there remains only compassionate comprehension… But
in order to uncover material harmony one has to become able to bring this very
consciousness here itself and to live on its concrete basis all of one’s movements…!
… The plane is due in half an hour; I have read in the paper that aboard this very
same plane, yesterday in New York, components for a radio-timed bomb had been
found stuck under one seat; and now the entire airport is in a confusion of attempts
at security!
*16-4-1987, Auroville:
I just can’t force myself to start the process of terminating the work! I don’t know
why and I don’t know what else can happen either! I can’t accept Ed’s attitude, his
refusal to return the borrowed sum… I have to move, to do something; but even to
sell the wood doesn’t feel right; but something has got to clear up within a week or