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*12-8-1987, Auroville:
I have received a letter from someone I do not know, the woman who is the new
friend of my brother J.Y, and she writes about Auroville and her wish to come over
even without him if he cannot extricate himself from his present situation… I know
that things are moving for him this year; but I would be apprehensive if he would
decide to come now, as I would be for anyone else who is dear to me, because I
know that he would expect much more than what there is at the moment, and that
he would have to experience sooner or later some brutal landing… Yet perhaps the
time for him has come indeed; and for me personally it would be a sweet comfort
to have him near…
*15-8-1987, Auroville:
I was at the Dawn Fire at the amphitheatre; I was there at 5 am. And later I went
and sat alone under the banyan tree; it is still the same pain: to be there in
Auroville prevented to relate to my child, ostracised to the extent that she cannot
even know me – and it overlaps on every possible relationship I might have, even
on any casual contact. It has been very effective: Auragni was my door to life and
to others, and this door has been shut upon me, and I still cannot accept it as
coming from You. It is still wrong!
Last night among many other things I had an unusual experience: I was like very
high up on a huge structure, standing on a narrow pathway open on one side to the
void, turning around this massive structure, like an enormous Matrimandir; and
came upon me a formidable pull toward the void, the un-doing, the death of this
“me”, the physical crash… It was pulling me like a final dizziness, overwhelming and
inescapable, and there was no fear, nor any particular recoil, only a sort of
lassitude; yet the necessity arose in me not to yield. And, not with the will, but with
a kind of focussing of the energy, tense to breaking, I concentrated on a material
detail on the structure wall: it was a window frame with a mosquito-net on it that
prevented my hand from grabbing it, and it was feeling quite impossible to hold on,
as the pull was getting so absolute; but I said Your Name, imperiously, stubbornly.
And, in a moment, the pull dissipated, the giddiness calmed away, and it was over.
*16-8-1987, Auroville:
Last night after dinner John H came over. It was good that he did so. I knew that
since Su had come here and become close to me there had been a change in his
movements toward me, that he had reservations about his own sister getting
“involved” with me, lest she should find herself in too deep waters… I asked him,
and he admitted it, and he said that he’d also seen now that it was rather out of
place, and not helpful…!
*18-8-1987, Auroville:
It has been for some time now, perhaps two years or more, that whenever I turn to
“Woman”, or long for her who alone would by her presence put me right, I almost
see her face: I do not know her, but I keep seeing her light, deep grey eyes, and
her hair is rich and dark and her skin is pale, mat pale…