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without rest, denying me any access to the source, so that it becomes merely an
addition, a wearying accumulation, instead of a rhythm and a growth…
And physically too it is strange, filled with questions… - moments of wonder and
beauty, and the rest is trudging and grinding on and groping…
*28-11-1987, Auroville:
I just learnt of G’s suicide, a couple of days ago: he hung himself, in a room in
Pondy…
… I read C’s letter; it sure gives me a problem: R, although he seems to be past the
danger-point, is going to need very quiet circumstances, with the proximity of a
care-unit, for several months, in case there’d be a relapse and the need for another
dilatation of the coronary; and so C won’t be able to come here as planned next
January nor, for that matter, until R’s condition is stabilised. She seems to have
found some help in my letters, and has a good attitude. R, she says, was
determined not to die; he wanted to stay with her, and he wanted to see me again.
Now he and she, in her thoughtful way, are asking me to come over, in the near
future, even for a short while. I understand they wouldn’t ask this lightly. And
perhaps it is right. But I have great apprehension at moving out and away from
here, especially as I seem to have become more vulnerable to contacts…
In terms of “being with”, I do not see the point really; I know from experience that
real proximity has nothing to do with physical distance, and is even often clearer
and purer precisely at a distance. But I can also see that for them it may not
always be that way.
And so I am wondering… Because, to start the process – visa, papers, etc – I would
need to feel the inner support; at first there was only silence… But I have to
answer; and perhaps, by tentatively setting it sometimes in March…?
*29-11-1987, Auroville:
I think that this physical disharmony is connected to a faulty functioning of the
heart – I have pain sometimes just around it, and the blood circulation is all
uneven; but then what is it that causes the unruly secretion on the scalp, the
itching and pain in the facial skin, or these moments of sudden fatigue, these
muscle cramps, this dull pain around the back of the head…?
There is throughout a sense of unease; not that anything is wrong: I can at the
same time feel consciously grateful. It is hard to put in words; I don’t know what is
going on; I only know it is clearer when I am by myself; to be with someone else
becomes difficult…
Anything that is true, anything that is real, at once makes me very happy; but it
seldom happens in the outer world, except in Nature…
Mother, put Your sword of true Light right through “me”, plant it there as my axis
and centre… I want That to exist, to manifest…!
*30-11-1987, Auroville:
I don’t know whether to take it seriously or not; if it wouldn’t be for Ruud’s messy
death, I wouldn’t be anxious. If I have to go, I want to be told clearly and I want it
to be neat and as harmonious as can possibly be… I do not want waste, I don’t
want drama, I don’t want people cleaning up after me…
I am aware of a process of change, of “decantation”, that is taking place, and of a
growing sense of commitment and surrender, and I want to grow along with it, here