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“Ravena”, and cycling back together… I must say that both their attitudes of
respect and trusting commitment made me proud and happy and grateful… It is not
that often that one is able to respond to such challenges with care and a
progressive and open manner…
*22-12-1987, Auroville:
Lifting and carrying rocks this afternoon I had trouble with my left arm: the blood
did not move fast enough; the scare of a stroke is there, and I have no means to
verify whether this anxiety is founded; anxiety itself is wrong, in any case! I do not
wish to go through the hands of medical science, because I do not want to have a
label affixed on “my troubles”… My body wants You, Mother! And at such moments
one realises so acutely and clearly how secure it all was in Your physical Presence,
knowing that You would make sure the true Force was acting and embracing and
working… Knowing that, whatever happened, with or without a body, one was held
within the field of Your white Force… But now? You are hidden. That security, for
the physical mind that is tricked by appearances and its material conditionings, isn’t
there, not quite there…
… Su came with me into the canyons looking for good stones and large chunks of
petrified wood, and we lifted them out with ropes; it was good to do that together
and she was happy, I think; but my body’s reactions led me into another state of
deep, quiet wonder, aware of the necessity of fighting doubt and anxiety… And then
I needed to be alone…
*23-12-1987, Auroville:
The condition of my physical consciousness is so very dull, dully restless and grey
and un-responsive; I would need to be given a task, a concrete work for You, by
You; I don’t think I have yet found the activity that can best serve Your Action in
my substance, and sometimes I miss it almost desperately…
*24-12-1987, Auroville:
Last night MG Ramachandran, Tamil Nadu’ Chief Minister, left his body; today has
been declared a day of national mourning and tomorrow another day of mourning
for Tamil Nadu…
*25-12-1987, Auroville:
On the one hand it is easier for me to be close to women, given my nature; there’s
more space there and less ego. On the other hand, in subtle ways it is more
enmeshing and colonising than a friendship with another man…
*26-12-1987, Auroville:
I have finished reading a book by L. Collins, “Fortitude”, titled after the name of an
under-cover operation that greatly helped the Allies’ victory in June 1945; I was
completely into it for the past two days. It brings into a very sharp light the
perpetual human question of whether the end justifies the means… This, together
with the reading of the latest issue of the “Auroville News”, took me to that high
point, which feels by comparison almost inhuman, beyond all the values that men
have evolved and needed and clung to, and judged by, such as loyalty, courage,