776 / 1424
776
*11-1-1988, Auroville:
Ar. demanded to know, once more, if I was “making love” to Su, and I felt sick and
got angry and told her to go away, and now I am sad; I told her not to impose on
me her jealousy and attachment, and repeated for the thousandth time in years
that I only wanted friendship with her… It reminded me of Diane and her own
demands and her affective blackmailing, which had the power to rouse violence in
me… I don’t want this around me; already it is often through her obsessive
attachment that I am brought back to my own sexual needs… Perhaps I must put a
full stop to it, and close the door for some time…
… There have been several thefts in the last few days, and one serious arson, at
“Grace”, where Shradhavan’s house was burnt to cinders by someone who had set
fire to a motor-cycle parked underneath…
*12-1-1988, Auroville:
It seems that Larry is flying back today. Ed has met the man, Peter Callaway, who
has apparently granted the $ 10,000/- Larry was talking about; perhaps it will all
be clarified soon…
… I am reading a collection of Your answers to various sadhaks… You are living
Truth; Your Consciousness is my goal and my security, Douce Mère, You are
beautiful and real; I love You…!
*13-1-1988, Auroville:
Your Way is so beautiful, so pure, sot rue, and so whole…
I love You!
*17-1-1988, Auroville:
I had dinner with Su, John H and Helen, their mother, at Su’s. This was a little
melancholy, with an undertone of affectivity, of sentimentality even, with John H
slipping, gently evading, as ever… I wanted to return here sooner; I do not bear
well any other atmosphere than my own, these days: I need You to be the centre
and anchor, and my own freedom to organise around it…
*18-1-1988, Auroville:
Ar. came after lunch and broached a long, exacting, but perhaps positive
conversation; she’s had two terrible days, under the spell of a huge anger at me,
and all the while she felt as if this was an energy imposed on her, and she was
defenceless, impuissant to push it away and out of herself; she is convinced that,
by opening to me, she opened to this particular difficulty, for all these years… We
talked… Perhaps this is a promise of evolution, and she will now be able to move
forward…
*19-1-1988, Auroville:
Observing my physical condition, I find that it has lately much improved, in terms
of harmony, and evenness, or steadiness; I guess the credit goes to the asanas,
and to a disciplined life and diet, and to cycling and exercise; at the same time I
also find it is becoming more and more sensitive, almost precarious, and that it
demands constant vigilance and adjustment, like a very delicate apparatus…