782 / 1424
782
This Darshan is terrible: You are clothed and covered by this formation of a very old
woman, and there is as if a juxtaposition of extreme restlessness, complete
impotence, and a terrible will; and all these people watching You from the street
below, gaping at You, and then resuming their routines as soon as You turned
away…
… Later J.P walked in, and it wasn’t good; he was full of complicated reproaches
and silly misunderstandings, and his attitude made me at once sad and angry; as if
here is just a bunch of sick people, trying I don’t know what, or to what end… Life
goes on, and the coming week is all programmed to the dot, down to the
anniversary of the Supramental Descent, this being a leap year… This is now an
ordinary institution, still in the guise of something new…
*22-2-1988, Auroville:
It is like being stranded mid-way through a larger Action… Either it should burn its
way through, or the contradiction should somehow be fought, or else Your very
Presence should dispel it all… But none of that happens.
It is a status quo that has no name, no definition, and appears to make no sense
whatsoever…
I can only endure and wait…
*23-2-1988, Auroville:
Having a work to do, any work, however small, always helps; and relationships
based on work are also easier to harmonise…
Very often these days I become inwardly angry – what is the word for it, I don’t
know: furious, saturated, bursting, about the games that are being played around
Matrimandir, all in Your name of course…
*24-2-1988, Auroville:
There is a part in me, of the inner being, that has remained a little aware of a mode
of existence compared to which the condition this world is in feels like an
assemblage of tricks, a sort of machinery one must fit in, in order to belong, and to
survive: in order to manifest, one must relate; in order to channel, one must accept
to be pinned to a position; in order to belong one must comply with the gross
arrangement of the energies and their circulation; in order to function with a
semblance of autonomy, one must mate, pair up, associate; and in order to simply
physically live on, one must participate in an entire chain of expense, waste and
labour… All the way down it is as if made of tricks and devices, death being the
ultimate crown…
It is not that I object to relating per se: I miss the delight, the free joy of it, when it
occurs for delight’s sake, out of a free rhythm of joyful discovery…
… While doing the asanas this evening I listened to Your Agenda of October 63; you
had re-read the passage of “Savitri” that sets the advent of Death, and all its
perverting and falsifying consequences for the earth, as part of the earth’s material
evolution; and You wondered whether, after all, those who just want to get out of it
and exist elsewhere, in other modes, are not justified: their choice at least may be
legitimate, as they do not try to merely escape into Nought…
But, as You Yourself have striven here and discovered here the Supreme, this
question arises no more…