783 / 1424
783
*25-2-1988, Auroville:
When I reached Ravena this afternoon, Iris and Constance were just ending their
visit; I had looked forward to communicating with Iris, as she’s probably the one
woman to have been close to D.M; I had felt I could tell her a lot, share with her,
show her the place in a deeper way, the inner basis for its conception… But I was
caught at once by a strange tension, and found Iris being very peremptory and
guarded, refusing any exchange and asking only for her own personal letters back…
This entire scene surprised me, and the sorrow that welled up in me also took me
by surprise: I was just going to cry there and then…! Perhaps this is just the way
she behaves, or else she has been told against me, here or back in the US, I do not
know… This was just one more thing that went wrong…
*28-2-1988, Auroville:
Su and I reached the amphitheatre at 5 am or so and sat there, midst the largest
attendance ever – there are all those who have come back for a visit after years of
absence, there are many visitors and newcomers, and lots of people from the
Ashram as well… And there was something powerful in the general atmosphere; it
almost took the form of some sort of craze but, beneath it, I felt the plain, simple
need in all these people for Your Force to move and to act and to accept them
individually, each of them, in Its folds of Light…
… I did the week’ laundry, and prepared some of my recent paintings to hang them
around the house, and later Su came up on the roof to take pictures of some of the
asanas I am doing regularly; we want to find out whether it could be interesting to
do a whole series of these, a studies of movement, with coloured geometrical
patterns on my body…
… Ar. had seen Su and me walking together this morning, hand in hand as we often
do – and generally appearing as a regular couple, I guess; it is not easy to be free
from the public image and its circulation; yet I do not feel that I am living with Su
in any such exclusive manner: to me our relationship just is, and is just what it is…
*29-2-1988, Auroville:
I am mainly concerned with keeping somewhat afloat; learning to unite with a
steadier flow of energy… Constantly I have to struggle with what feels like sudden
drops of pressure, like air-holes, or sucking under-currents; from one minute to the
next it varies, and sometimes while doing something, especially when I have to talk
or to listen to someone, there’s this sudden sensation underneath, as if the ground
has fallen in; it is only when the body itself is involved in the activity, such as
painting or waxing or cycling, that a semblance of steadiness is there…
*1-3-1988, Auroville:
Something is blocking the sweet awareness of You… It has to be insincerity, but I
do not know what it is; I cannot identify it…
… N came, very early; he hasn’t found any work; I sent him looking for materials –
rocks, stones, etc – which I intend to purchase for the garden here…
Later, as Su was hurrying to do my braid (we were both getting late for work), Ar.
just happened to come by, and she freaked at the simple intimacy of the scene, the
very thing she has wanted to have with me, and she cried and cried… I don’t want
her to be in such states, I don’t want her to be sad; but appearances seem to state
that I am sharing my life with Su, as a couple; yet in my experience it is not so: