785 / 1424
785
*7-3-1988, Auroville:
I don’t know why so many blows… It’s like every time I again feel able to raise the
head above water, another wave knocks me under…
Larry came to “Ravena” this morning with the lady who is the friend of Peter
Callaway – who donated this last amount; Larry laid his trip again, not even
introducing us, but just passing me by and acting like he is sole-in-charge, planning
with her the future usage of the place and showing her around…
… In Your Agenda You tell about the true creative power that comes in keeping
oneself actively aware of what must come, keeping alive the vision of what must
be, instead of looking at what is not how it should be, at what must change or
disappear… And I know I must try that…
*8-3-1988, Auroville:
I was in town today and once more, in the Bank, I passed Pourna; every time this
happens I know this feeling of tenderness, with an element of passion, but quiet
and basically friendly – and yet, after more than 15 years, she still refuses to smile.
She has aged, her face is very lined, but she remains the same beautiful and proud
being, your own grand-daughter – and the one who, it seems, laid that curse on
me…
*9-3-1988, Auroville:
Ar. had a report from the lady herself – who visited “Ravena” with Larry -, who said
she hadn’t found it was the right place actually for the kind of activities she and P.C
were funding…
I am upset with myself for being unable to respond to this kind of situations in a
simple, straightforward, healthy manner…
… This is a period when I feel as if all progress has been neutralised or taken away
and only a husk is left – or a little person who hasn’t even tried to change…
*10-3-1988, Auroville:
As N keeps coming and wanting to stay in my life, I thought to try again to have a
free intimacy; he was sweet and open about it, in his own way rather unconcerned
but willing to give me what he thinks he has understood that I need… But without
reciprocity, how can it be fulfilling?
… Ar. tells me that Roger A’s team now wants to cut down the group of beautiful
“Service” trees that F.G had planted in a half-circle around the amphitheatre, as
they are not “part of the design”… It is sick!
*12-3-1988, Auroville:
There is needed the courage and clarity to move past that so-called decision of last
October 15; for the truth is that Roger A’s design is neither sound nor worthy of
Matrimandir, and that its inspiration is no more than vital, however magnified… At
least one point has been made clear now, and it is that the use of plastic, polyester
or other such related substance is not acceptable at Matrimandir… But a basic
dishonesty remains…
I have received a long, surprising letter from the woman who now lives with my
brother J.Y, Patricia; she tells me of a long and detailed dream-experience she’s
had on February 27, in which she met me, and it was the experience of finding me