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Your words, in many ways. How I know this, I cannot say, or prove; but I know… I
can give reasons, I can show parts, but it comes way after, and way below…
*14-2-1988, Auroville:
I realise that it is perhaps an absolute law that the Lord is as present and tangible,
or distant and immaterial, as one needs Him to be… And that, no matter what one
thinks, wishes or feels, the intensity of the need one has of Him is exactly what it
is, no more and no less, and creates exactly the corresponding opening; and this is
a purely non-mental fact. And therefore there is no point at all in complaining: it is
the actual need that matters, and that alone can induce the process of change…
*15-2-1988, Auroville:
At times there creeps in the frustrated feeling that nothing ever “happens” to me,
neither in terms of relationships, encounters or situations, nor in terms of
experiences that fill the being with the richness of new development… I understand,
though, why it is so for the moment…
*17-2-1988, Auroville:
So often I feel like crying; inner tears rise: a resistance, a barrier that does not
yield…
*20-2-1988, Auroville:
There is hollowness, the sense of not progressing, not belonging, not being
solicited, not relating to a way, an adventure, an evolution; all avenues seem to be
shut, or dissolved into meaninglessness; I miss a drive, an orientation, a
commitment; vertically I am unaware of any indication, or encouragement in any
direction… Horizontally I feel no interest whatsoever in the processes taking place in
Auroville at present… Yet I wish I would be used, have some function…
… I listened to You saying, in Your Agenda, that in order to be able to participate to
the change and evolution of consciousness, one must first be able to accept totally
and joyfully all what is at present… This is very difficult.
Locally, I do not much like this human Auroville; I find it mediocre, pretentious, un-
adventurous, narrow and shallow; but precisely because I feel that way, and mostly
that way, I am unable to participate and to contribute to its evolution…!
*21-2-1988, Auroville:
I haven’t been in such a spot for a long time; I could howl…!
I am tormented by my own lacks; and I am tormented by what goes on obstinately
around Matrimandir, with this formation of a cheap, attractive cover pushing its
way, against every inner sense, with a made-up authority that pretends it is coming
from You – like another Mother, who is not true…; tormented by the psychological
situation I have been stuck in, within this smallish narrow society…; by the absence
of friendship; by the recurrence of this obsessive need in my nature; by this terrible
hollowness…
… Early this morning Su and I walked over to the Matrimandir office to watch a
video there, of, I think, the Darshan You gave at Your Balcony in April 1973; we
were joined there by all those who had sat in meditation under the Banyan tree…