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Anything can throw off the balance, instantly – contacts with people and their
atmospheres, a careless thought, a loss of orientation, and many other factors are
constantly having an impact. But I am grateful for this work…
*20-1-1988, Auroville:
I am reading You, listening to You, thinking of You, needing You…
Sometimes it feels that I am only now being born, and preparing for a life of
progress in Your Work; like only now I am becoming able, almost able, to make
certain movements, and to submit my parts to certain disciplines, not in the sense
of tapasya, but in the sense of trusting surrender and self-giving…
… Reading Your words to the children of the Ashram in the 50s, I come often upon
Your diamond-like explanations of the reality in which we live – things I know,
somehow and somewhere, but that are given such a clear and practical, such a
profoundly useful form, that one feels “oh! why have I been so thick and slow not
to see it that way! This way one can make real, conscious progress!”…
Mother, You are the treasure of the world…!
*22-1-1988, Auroville:
Last night, around 4 am, Su woke me up; she had so much pain in her back that
she had nearly fainted; I took her with me and gave her a pain-killer and told her
we’d go and see Datta first thing in the morning, and that she might have to stay in
the Nursing-Home for a few days; clearly she didn’t know how to cope with this,
and as clearly this was some dormant trouble in her organism that had awakened
here and needed attentive care, and perhaps this was the opportunity for her to
align herself to her present choices… I am not telling her that, though!
*23-1-1988, Auroville:
Yaap told me some of what Larry is saying and of his present attitude… I know I
must not add my own ego-reactions… The complicity people seem to share on the
easy side of things already puts me in a position in which I am “not of them”, but
acting and moving on a basis, or for reasons, that they do not quite comprehend…
Yet I’m sometimes tempted to put my foot down and spell out openly what it is that
Larry has been doing all along… One thing I am determined to make clear to all is
that, if I am to continue at “Ravena”, I shall remain fully in-charge as I have been
from the beginning…
… Late morning I drove to Pondy to visit with Su and see Datta about her at the
same time; but the tests-results hadn’t come yet; Datta seems to think there’s
nothing wrong with her and she might come home in a couple of days; but I feel
there is a spot of infection, and that it must be localised and treated correctly… I
stayed with her for an hour, in that wonderful room overlooking the ocean…
*24-1-1988, Auroville:
Su has been quite shaken in herself, and there’s some intensive working going on,
and she sometimes looks sad and disoriented, but she picks up confidently… She
returned in a taxi today and spent the evening here with me; while she was still
here, Ar. came to check on me and found us thus, Su sitting next to me very
quietly and comfortably, and she freaked, and left; and later she brought a letter –