780 / 1424
780
went and talked to Jaïmurthy, sort of trying to make friends, and asking if there
were any “problems”; and of course Jaïmurthy took advantage of it and mentioned
the advance he’d been asking me… Kasinathan told me about it this afternoon… It
felt as if being stabbed in the back…
*9-2-1988, Auroville:
This is a nasty spot, and a small torture. There’s this terrible need for a free,
intimate relationship with a man; and I do not know what to do… Recent periods,
during which I had somehow shifted above or beyond, into a truer condition of
receptivity, now feel like pure grace, unattainable…
It got compounded by N’s visit this morning; he declared that he wanted to work
here from now on; but I find I cannot let him: it would be constant hell, because I
can’t alone get rid of this attraction and he, on his side, doesn’t care for it; besides
it would probably cause more problems than solve any here, as both R and Ran
would certainly feel jealous of their territory…
*10-2-1988, Auroville:
There is sometimes the perception of a station to be reached and established: it is
clear and vivid and it brings with it an inner quiet enthusiasm and the will to
collaborate… But then it gets veiled, and it feels like one is passing open places,
that give out onto many different directions, or receive the influences of various
possibilities, and one then needs to become able to absorb them all, rejecting none,
in one all-inclusive offering… But this part is still quite confused, and confusing, and
there is still about it the sense of contradiction – and, when it gets more acute, of
impossibility…
… Today the electricians came to fix a plug for the fridge – this new implement to
the daily life -, and I am embarrassed about it; perhaps I’ll leave it alone until the
full heat of summer justifies its use…
*11-2-1988, Auroville:
I made dinner for Su and she helped me draw the pattern of an interesting
geometrical movement: the development of a square into an infinite spiral…
*13-2-1988, Auroville:
The situation with the work at Ravena is of the kind in which one can never make
everyone happy; the best of the best attitudes will still not bring harmony, until
each individual who plays a part also wants harmony, and truthfulness…
… I finally received the envelope with money which C had given G.M’s mother,
Suzanne, for me, before she left France; it came in such a roundabout fashion: G.M
gave it to Luigi in a meeting, and the latter sent his worker to hand it over to me
here… G.M is so stuck in his new allegiances that he can’t even contact me with a
message – nothing. There was a little pain that surged. But then I had expected
some such evasion: I have known all along that he could “sell” our friendship in
order to get something else he wanted, if he had to. And so he did. But I also know
that it does not affect the truth of it within… Only, he is not within, at the moment!
… Roger A is back in Auroville, and offering himself as a focus for unity…!
I only know that his model for Matrimandir, supposedly blessed by You and
therefore, so they say, “The Truth”, isn’t the right thing; that they have twisted