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way I had to push my cycle into the wind and the driving rain, the whole landscape
rushed in torrents of rusty orange water… I had needed just that…
Soon after I’d returned, the rain stopped… I am dry now, the dinner is cooking…
… There is this growing need of an existence that wouldn’t be driven in a linear way
anymore, from the birth to the death of the body, but – I can’t find another word –
spherical, evolving in a spherical way (multiple, yet whole, expansion?)… I don’t
know how to say this… But it is becoming so contrary, so absurd, to go on, to let it
go on… Yet this would mean turning into the work in the body-consciousness, and I
don’t know that I’m ready for that, Mother…!
*4-5-1988, Auroville:
John H sat with me at night-watch for a long while, until Su joined me… He has
been quietly taking part in this series of meetings on the formation of Auroville’s
internal organisation; what is now called the “Core Group” is to make the liaison
between the general assembly of the Aurovilians and the “Executive Council”,
whose task would become mainly that of administering, coordinating and following
up on decisions and policies arrived at; he says that he’s been impressed with the
quality of the attempt made by elements who were so far opposed or antagonistic
to work together…
*7-5-1988, Auroville:
I was told this morning why N hasn’t come for two days (I knew instinctively that
he’d got himself into further trouble): there was a bad, nasty village fight, and he
got several wounds, and hurt or injured others as well… This of course made ma
sad; it’s like in the last two days the old drama has raised its head again, and the
response to it hasn’t changed…
And when Ar. came, today, as is her habit, or need, or “right”, it was all I could do
not to ask her to leave me alone… And for the first time I asked You directly,
Mother, to please undo this attachment she has for me… I know and appreciate and
respect the quality of her self-giving, but her demands and the blindness of her own
subtle possessiveness are getting unbearable; it is so that I think sometimes of
going away myself so as to be free of her…
*8-5-1988, Auroville:
I studied my Sanskrit home-work all afternoon; I find it a little more difficult with
Santosh being out for sometimes on “vacation”; Su and I now are left to cope with
a rather abstruse grammar without a good teacher…
*9-5-1988, Auroville:
There’s a heavy and mean wave of depression… N came, early this morning, his
right arm slung in a huge bandage, plasters all over his body, with that look again,
of having gone to the other side of the border, like he had when I’d first found him
at the Court after his arrest last year… Right away I demanded that he tells me the
truth; he cried; he then told me at least part of the story, that several guys had
finally caught and held him and cut his right arm down to the nerves; he showed
me the medical reports made by the surgeon in Jipmer who operated for four hours
to save his arm…