792 / 1424
792
… I looked at all this from all the angles I could “think” of… And I also had to see
that this acute, extreme disharmony came at once, within the last few days,
including the aggravated tension with Ar.…
*10-5-1988, Auroville:
There is a lot all the time for which I have no words, nor the desire to even find
them… And this is why sometimes this journal-writing feels rather senseless…
I have been wondering at an aspect of what has happened in the last several days;
N’s troubles can also be seen as a sort of personal set-back for me, and it occurred
on the 6
th
of May, and last year C had fallen on that same day…: striking the ones
that are close to me, striking me through them…? This is only one aspect, though, I
know it well…
*11-5-1988, Auroville:
I was so tired during the night-watch, and while listening to John H on the present
confusions at Matrimandir, I kept remembering what You have explained about the
un-reality of these so-called physical sensations; and I still have a long way to go to
disengage my consciousness from this language of sensations and symptoms…
*12-5-1988, Auroville:
I always feel very interested and concerned, by what is happening in Israel and
Palestine… As if the resolution of this conflict had the inherent capacity of bringing
things to the right step for the earth, while the continuation of lies and escapisms
becomes more and more dangerous, for the earth… There seems to be much
substance there…
*13-5-1988, Auroville:
Ar. wanted me to help her see more clearly, and to explain to her the nature of my
relationship with Su; we talked; she quietened; enough to come and work with
me… But I had already agreed that Su would meet me at the beach, after the work,
and we would cycle back together, and didn’t tell Ar. about it; and of course she
found out later, and there was another scene this evening… I do not understand
how she can be so utterly helpless in the grip of these vital delusions; I have known
those pains and obsessions, God knows, but somehow there was always a space
within, even when the suffering felt unbearable, where I knew…
… What is it? There are these two women who, each in her own way, are as given
and trusting as can be asked of a woman… Yet I didn’t ask that, not in that way…
With Su, it is more natural for me to be man and woman, it has its place inwardly
and she finds her space in my being; with Ar. it is more like a sister, or a
dependent, or a satellite; it has its inner truth but, in mental terms, it gets
deformed and ambiguous… And neither one is the woman I could adore and
celebrate… Su is more lucid, honest and courageous about her own affective wants
and needs and that’s partly what makes it easier for me to spend time with her, to
be natural with her…
But toward both of them I raise walls, so that it doesn’t take over a physical daily
space I need away from human interference…