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788
formation of a “planner” who ignores life and beings, and only sees lines, in that
sort of elegant order that can be enthroned in a model-room only…
*31-3-1988, Auroville:
I begin to comprehend that this is for me a time when I must simply learn to be,
surrendering all my attempts at “progress” and my mental conceptions of what
forms progress should take, and to accept a kind of abolition, of nullity… so that,
eventually, another state may draw me in, or become – “I” being less of an
obstacle…
*1-4-1988, Auroville:
For a couple of days I had felt the need to go down to Pondy by myself in the
evening and sit before the ocean and then at the Samadhi; and this is what I did
today… Whenever I do that, I realise what sort of change has taken place in the
meantime… It is like approaching the same eternal instant from various angles,
different point in time, and each successive approach is somewhat less
encumbered, less burdened, less self-conscious, and quieter…
… Later I want to a restaurant and there a parrot came to me, climbed up my leg
and sat on my lap, talking away…!
*6-4-1988, Auroville:
I received in one go 3 letters from C – the mail had been blocked somewhere.
My grand-father died on the 23
rd
of March. I’d had this experience, several weeks
back I think, of his psychic being as a very small child, wonderful, who had come
looking for me and on his way had seen You there, Your Presence, and had been
completely amazed and happy; I remember well his expression, of utter, delighted
wonder and discovery…
*8-4-1988, Auroville:
I received a telegram from F.J for my birthday tomorrow; I’ll be 38.
I have again said to Su, Ar., Barbara – who are my friends – that I wish this day to
be forgotten, let by… Only You could make it a real birthday…
*11-4-1988, Auroville:
Ar. came to find me, in tears, at “Ravena”; she’d just had a second operation on
her big toe (an ingrown nail) and was very shaken and upset by the attitude of that
new German Doctor at the Health-Centre…
*13-4-1988, Auroville:
I really want to understand this odd mechanism that makes me feel short-tempered
every time Ar. enters my atmosphere; this occurs every single time, the minute she
enters: a minute before I am in my normal state of quiet, and the minute after I
find myself as if displaced, annoyed and grumpy, and it sometimes lasts as long as
she stays with me, and it will stop as soon as she has left me; but then it leaves
after-effects, as I am upset by my inability to respond to it properly and to change
it… It is obviously not a contagion, because by nature Ar. herself is never in that