765 / 1424
765
*5-11-1987, Auroville:
I have been worrying for Ar.; possibly because I got caught by some guilt – like she
makes me feel that I am cruel or unfair to her; that while she gives herself
constantly, and asks so little, I keep rejecting and refusing her… But I do not like to
see her, to know her miserable; it isn’t right; and it isn’t her…
*9-11-1987, Auroville:
This afternoon B.B came to see me at “Ravena”, on behalf of the “Acrylic group”, to
ask me for money to help them collect go out on a fund-raising tour of India… I told
him I couldn’t, and explained why… There was something rather comical in the
meeting of our two realities…!
*10-11-1987, Auroville:
I requested Yaap to send a telegram to Larry today, asking him to state what he is
really up to; I cannot go on this way; the means at my disposal are insufficient and
it is not harmonious, something isn’t right; and perhaps I must first move out of
the scene so that someone else with the proper means may come in and care for
the place…?
*11-11-1987, Auroville:
I have been listening to Your Agenda twice a day for quite some time now. But
there are only a dozen tapes left, and I get scared: I need so much Your physical
Presence, with Your strength and will for constant progress…
… I have received a sweet attempt at a letter from N! I want him to persevere in his
studying so that he can eventually read English books, learn about himself…
*12-11-1987, Auroville:
I had an unclear, uneasy, shifty contact with Afsaneh and Nadaka today; they said
that Larry had written he’d be back any day now, and they commented vaguely on
some funds for a “Students Exchange Program” which would have “Ravena” as a
base in Auroville… Nothing I can rely on… This sort of unclarity makes me angry; I
find that perhaps two thirds of Auroville is rubbish, pretentious, a sham, and I
resent it all… But then I must examine my own intolerance and pretensions as well;
and after a few hours of this sorting out, everything is quiet again…!
*13-11-1987, Auroville:
Throughout the days aspects come upfront – aspects of offering, of necessary
changes, seeds of disciplines, or progresses, and a seemingly endless range of
responses and states; and, like a magnet at the centre of it all, or a deeper, or new
gravity, is the call, the need and the awareness of That…
… I am no longer making an effort to write down all that goes on; it takes too much
time for one thing; and then I am not convinced that it helps to define with the
mental expression what is, by itself, fluid and in constant motion, with such
differences of depth and quality…
… C has written that R’s health is still very uncertain and unstable; between her
words, it is plain that she is worried, tired and a little distressed, although she does
try hard not to show it; I think I’ll try to phone them at their home this Sunday…