760 / 1424
760
… I want nothing from either Ar. or Su. The friendship with Ar. is precious – but if
exclusivism is its price, I won’t hold to it… Su is good, and I feel at ease with her as
a woman; yet if she grows anxious over me, I can’t sustain that either. I’d rather
be alone…
If they could be friends together too, that would free a flow of progress…
Ar. came to find me at “Ravena” this afternoon; she was calmer, but afraid I might
be hard on her because of her drama yesterday: she can really go far, much too
far, it scares me; she’d talked to Namas too, who now thinks that I am ruining her,
driving her to madness… and on and on: the rule of drama, the solidarity of
drama…
*21-10-1987, Auroville:
I have been in constant tension, due to the conflict of energies between these two
women and me. I do not see the point of it, and yet I must acknowledge my
responsibility in it: I invited it, to some extent… And yet it doesn’t come to me that
way, in my own experience: I just open to a given relationship, without measuring
the consequences. I want nothing from either of them. They’re both persons I
appreciate and trust, in different ways, with respect. But I cannot fulfil a role. I
can’t give shelter, as a man is expected to give a woman. I can only find my own
security in You, in That. Anything beyond mutual reciprocity becomes interference…
*23-10-1987, Auroville:
Late this morning I went to Matrimandir. People were working at the top of the
structure, lifting the crane up and away from the top ring, each one manning an
adjustable fork… I climbed up there and I liked the atmosphere: the simplicity of
what Matrimandir requires from us was there, in everyone present – and none of
the new team was there! It is strange to see how much we delude ourselves still
with “doing”, when it is actually so much closer to the truth to be merely and
simply instruments…
*24-10-1987, Auroville:
I feel clearly how, physically, the wear and tear to which the body is subjected is
directly related to the interactions between individuals, because any human contact
that is more than accidental fixes the consciousness to an image, as of necessity;
and the codes have to be consistent; therefore one is trapped, and one traps the
other…
By myself, I rather feel the necessity of renewal, permanent renewal along different
rhythms and tides; and that, as long as one is willing, there is no reason that it has
to cease; as long as one is progressing and experiencing sufficient sense, one can
go through this permanent renewal endlessly…
*26-10-1987, Auroville:
This morning, carrying a tray of seedlings, I fell off my cycle, stupidly; I didn’t drop
the tray, though! I didn’t hurt myself, only bumped my ankle; but I felt so foolish,
because I could easily have avoided it, were it not for this uncertainty in my
physical consciousness, that heavy, obscure lack of trust and joy…