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Krishna this morning brought me two bottles of champagne! Ar. brought me a
surprise gift, a very special photograph of Sri Aurobindo she’s had framed, his face
and the top of his chest, resting in Samadhi on his bed… And earlier Su offered me
a faceted crystal, to hang in the light…
*26-12-1988, Auroville:
I spent the entire day here, and time ran twice as fast. All morning I went on
pruning and cleaning in the garden and all afternoon I sorted out and cleared and
re-organised old papers and just now I finished a big bonfire of it… But all through I
had to struggle and strive to pull out from or undo the unreality that prevents me
to be aware of the Presence and Its axis – barriers, or rigid orientations that are of
my own making, re-built in the ignorance of energy…
This is my goal now, my constant goal without a goal: to be aware of That and let it
flow and be and do, to let It reveal the concreteness of Your way in all things, at all
points and at every minute…
*27-12-1988, Auroville:
I had to refuse Krishna’s movement of bringing his electronic machine and to
practice his music here; explaining to him why has sort of cleared up the two years
of distance between us…
… Kasinathan is sad to be at “Ravena” without me; I know it’s true, and I too miss
him; he is such a sweet creature… He tells me that, now that I’m gone, Nar has
assumed full ease and is acting bossy – which doesn’t surprise me…!
*29-12-1988, Auroville:
There is the psychological tension due to the pulls of these two relationships, with
Su and with Ar. Because of that unease, I tend to withdraw and put up barriers in
both directions, since I do not believe in the truth of declaring “this and not that”,
of choosing one to the detriment of the other; I value each reality, in its place. But
obviously, the way life goes, it creates a knot, rather than a widening…
… I tend to be obsessed again with a desire for N, to hold him, to caress him, to let
go with him; the only way I can be quiet about it is through gratitude before Thee.
When I realise that this too Thou givest me, the strain of desire and its interference
dissolves… I can do it, but I do not have to be prisoner of it… But it isn’t a steady
realisation, it comes and goes… Late this morning, N did come to me, and we met
quietly; there is sweetness and a home-feeling with him…
*30-12-1988, Auroville:
Suddenly this afternoon I just had to move. I cycled down to the ocean and stayed
there a long time; there was a backlash and a struggle of ego-resistance, and then
there was a wonderful, wonderful state, filled with gratitude and a clear, limpid
sense of the way…
You know…
… Last night, among many other things, at once coming up to me was Diane, her
eyes wide and her inner being intent on mine… Auragni wasn’t with her; it was so
vivid that I almost expected it to happen in the day…