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*14-1-1989, Auroville:
Yesterday night I had found another letter from Ar. waiting for me: the usual
formations, arguments and demands, but also an obvious goodwill and the
authenticity of her affection… And today, right after lunch, she came: I had to
remind her again that it takes two to choose the form, the rhythm and the width of
any given relationship… After a while we could laugh together again…
… I went over to Janet’s; she’d asked me to help her rebuild her house at the
“Field” and I first wanted to see for myself to what extent I would have to get
involved… She’ll bring me a detailed ground plan of the existing house; but she has
too little money for me to have any creative function there, and she stated her
need of me as of someone she could turn to for advice as the work goes on… I’ll
see… For now I see the garden here as my work; it is only if You would open the
way for me to help manifest the Gardens of Matrimandir, or else if You would give
me an opportunity to create an entire environment somewhere in Auroville, that…
Otherwise what You give me right here is fulfilling enough for me, as an offering…
*15-1-1989, Auroville:
I don’t know, I miss a direction… Whenever one’s activity comes from You,
whatever it may be, one feels one with everything, everywhere; but when there is a
lapse, or a waiting, and one seems to have to find an activity without Your
direction, then one feels separate, unused and unfulfilled, whatever the apparent
use or purpose of the activity one has found or chosen…
… Jaïmurthy came to visit, with his wife and children, and brought some Pongal
dishes; and then, while Su and I had dinner, Gopal came, and then Vivian came;
and then suddenly Ar. came in, shocked, in pain, holding up her dislocated thumb:
she’d just had an accident on her moped, hit a tree; I didn’t quite know what to do;
I felt it wasn’t broken, but no one here knows how to reset a dislocated joint…
Later, Hilde mentioned Dhruva, and I took Ar. there on the bike, but he couldn’t or
wouldn’t do it, and he thought it might be a bad break… So finally I had to take her
to Jipmer Hospital – a Sunday night, and Pongal festival! We went to Casualties –
the usual nightmare of crowded dirt and administrative absurdity: but they
eventually did the job, reset the bone and declared it was fine but would need to be
held in place for three weeks as there was a small fracture just over the joint; Ar.
was alright all through; she only shouted when an injection had to be given, and
she could laugh and be calm… We returned before midnight…
*18-1-1989, Auroville:
I had left a sketch at Janet’s. She came here later; we discussed all the aspects of
the work given the funds available to her; she is alright, but I am not sure yet I
should get involved, perhaps because, even though she says she only needs advice
and some direction, I can sense that I’ll end up supervising the entire thing, and
this isn’t exactly a small job… Is it right for me to go into it, Mother?
*20-1-1989, Auroville:
I’m feeling bad again about N, just like it was when he’d been arrested; it is like a
sorrow, a painful wondering, a sense of waste and of helplessness in the face of it,
and the sadness at being separated, a seeking out of his true future, of his true
becoming… I sense this obscurity like a pain, the pain of falsity…