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I didn’t concentrate long enough though, for it to be thorough: now, this evening,
the front of the foot and the toes are slightly tumefied; but there is no pain, and
movement is free…
It all becomes more tangible and more concrete in my experience… Only in That,
and with That, does existence have a sense…!
*11-1-1989, Auroville:
The daily contacts with Ar. and Su haven’t been easy lately. I don’t know what to
do with this sort of feminine energy, of just wanting to be with… It isn’t what I look
for: I need Shakti, the concreting power of the Force, the creative thing… And this I
find in You…!
I am an adorer of Woman, but I am not good at giving security, warmth, a nest; it
hampers my perceptions rather than supports them…
*13-1-1989, Auroville:
A difficult morning, wanting to clear up this whole thing with Ar. once and for all;
also, I received another message from Auralice, asking again for the white cycle! It
has become the symbol of the conflict between me and them over the matter of
“inheritance”; I answered in the negative but invited her to come and talk about it
if she wished; and then, just an hour later, while pruning high in a tree, my hand
got caught between a falling branch and another one, right on top of the large ring
I wear, which crushed on itself; I had to struggle to free my hand; I climbed down
and ran over here to try and widen the ring so the finger would live; but I couldn’t
remove the ring; I went back to work; hoping the swelling would go and I could
remove the ring later, but it doesn’t work. Su suggested wrapping some ice in a
cloth around it and I’m trying it now…
… I went down to Pondy, to the silversmith, who had to cut the ring open, this
beautiful, unique Hopi ring…
… I only want to become aware of That, to let That be…
Whenever I am open enough for It to flow and be, all questions vanish, all
yearnings, all notions of how to be, how to serve, how to change – it all becomes
obsolete… It destroys me not! It only makes me the happiest thing in the world!
All the rest, all the rest is old, unreal, distorted, thick and slow…!
This is immediate, complete, totally creative, and whole!
And “I” become a flame of gratitude, unique, fulfilled, for ever safe.
All of this human condition is like the cooling lava left on the wayside: hardened,
thickened fire, it flows no more, but feeds on itself, incapable of growth…
The only way to relate that ever feels right to me is whenever I am given a
function, within a collective organisation – be it serving food, distributing mail, or
looking after this or that practical necessity of collective living…
And as far as a relationship with a woman is concerned, I see now that for it to find
me willing and active, creatively, so many conditions would have to be fulfilled to
begin with that it is quite unrealistic to expect it will ever happen! I f a woman who
is, as a person, conscious of her inner being, finds in a quiet and undemanding
relationship with me enough material for her own growth, then I am grateful to let
that happen; but I can’t turn “my” needs towards her, lest it would shatter her…! As
for my ordinary needs, such as they are, they are best met in friendship, where it is
undemanding, sweet and humorous, as it is at the moment with N…