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*28-1-1989, Auroville:
Each night is such a confused jumble, what to do? In the day the Pressure is there
and there is some flow, some silence, and some growing consecration, although
there’s still need of a breakthrough in the individualised, or ego-based control over
the awareness; yet there seems to be a minimum of waste or disorder, and an
almost constant need to be conscious, to become conscious. But the nights remain
unaffected; the quality of their experiencing doesn’t seem to evolve at all…
*29-1-1989, Auroville:
N finally came, mid-morning, while I was still busy with the Sunday clean-up.
Unclarity comes in the way: I can no longer simply believe him, whether or not he
is lying, because I cannot find the contact of truth in him – or else it is a case of
split personality, one half of it occurring away from me; one thing is clear,
however: it is that he does suffer from some actual physical ailment, and that must
be checked…
*30-1-1989, Auroville:
There is at the same time, these days, an harmonious ease, which is made of
gratefulness and a sort of ecstasy in Matter, in its beauty – a base of harmony
which is one with the flow of the Force on Its axis; and there is, or there appears
now to be, an increasing number of small disharmonies, a multiplicity of them,
almost as if the body itself was about to fall apart, to go to pieces, through sheer
lack of unity: several plexuses have become painful, especially about the stomach
and the throat, hands and forearms get numb or tingling, instant headaches come
and go as well as all sorts of aches all over… It is a constant learning…
*31-1-1989, Auroville:
I got once more angry at Ar., at her lament and misery. And I saw the entire
atmosphere of harmony of the day just shattered in a second, simply because I am
incapable of responding truly to this sort of moral and affective violence; but she
came back a moment later, to arrange for the milk-money for the whole of
“Sincerity”…!
I worked like a bull all day…
… Mother, make me a child of the Force…
*2-2-1989, Auroville:
I cycled over to the village, to Rad’s house; he’s been asking me for months to help
him rebuild his house, financially; he and Kuppumma have 4 grown-up kids; I have
tried in Auroville to find some channel for a grant to build a model house that could
then be replicated in the area, but there has been no response so far; and by
myself I cannot cover the cost, and I don’t know what to do…
… There’s a happiness growing, as the Pressure remains and gratitude and a clear
need gradually take over more of “me”…
… Shano has been waiting for his class, and I haven’t yet eaten…!