825 / 1424
825
… I wish I could help manifest some of the power of harmony that is so badly
needed on this earth; to channel at least a little ripple of it in my immediate
surroundings, in the few beings I am in close contact with… But even that, I do not
seem to be ready for…!
*22-1-1989, Auroville:
I am reluctant to go into Janet’s work; I am no “professional” who can produce a
drawing and let her manage with it; I’ll have to actually work there and find the
way step by step, and I’m not quite willing just now to get that involved again with
someone’s place, with workers, with materials…
*23-1-1989, Auroville:
What has become obvious is that N has lied to me again, and got trapped in the
logic of lying, and couldn’t face me with it; and more than that, is his lack of
commitment: he prefers still to elude it rather than acknowledging that he cares. I
am not sure why it affects me so much; but it does; the reason for it is there, but I
do not grasp it yet; there is something important there which I yet need to
understand, to realise…
… Shano has been here again; he is wanting something with me or from me, which
is not yet clear, and it becomes ambiguous and frustrating; probably he’d want me
to take charge of him, to care for him. And then Jaïmurthy came, to talk about his
problems. And all the while this sadness remained, which I know only too well as a
vibration or a condition, but the real causes of which I still ignore…
*25-1-1989, Auroville:
The nights are so crowded with ignorance and noise and useless forms of existence,
leading nowhere, never opening to the Presence… And this morning the sorrow
returned and has remained since; it is on several levels, down to this problem of N,
who has made no sign as yet; I miss him like a limb, a part of body and life; a
response that sparks… He is the only person here who does that for me, and why it
is so, or how, I do not know…
*26-1-1989, Auroville:
Yesterday night, during my watch at Matrimandir, John H asked me, on behalf of
the new Coordination Group there, whether I’d be willing to supervise the work of
building the first Petal…
And this morning Catherine, who has been making all the drawings, came here to
ask me the same…
John H also told me that U, who is now the last of the team initially set up by Roger
A, has also come to the conclusion that Roger A’s design for the shell and its cover
isn’t the right thing, so that the issue, now that Roger A has just returned to
Auroville, is bound to be re-assessed…
Please Mother, let my ego move out and away, keep me pure in this, Mother, keep
me Your child…!
I said that, of course, I was willing – although, in my small way, I feel quite
incapable of such a thing – but that, obviously, now that the entire design is to be
reviewed, one must wait a little to find out how these structures are supposed to
stand…!