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state: he’d started before dawn, and the bricks owner had given him a drink, and
by the time they reached here, loaded (!), N just fell off the cart, fainted and hurt
himself a bit and got scratches all over and was mostly shocked and still quite
drunk, and he sobbed profusely on and on, right here on the bed, having made a
fool of himself once again and “disturbed” me… And all that while Su was still here,
who’d hardly finished telling me, with almost as many tears, of the troubles she’d
got herself into with Krishna…!
I had gathered most of it on my own already, anyway; but what has saddened me
and caused, I suppose, the confusion I have been feeling lately, was Krishna’s own
lack of simplicity and openness: he got himself into dissembling, with me, and that
was, and is, very stupid of him. Because I had trusted them each to remain simple
and open if anything of that nature should take place between them; I do not mind
that; I am not jealous; but I mind the duplicity!
Su needed help to see clearly. Krishna has already begun to reject her, and me!
*20-2-1989, Auroville:
I am carefully trying not to lend myself in any way to the little vibrational drama
that Krishna has brought upon us once again. Yet I am sad that the beginnings of a
flow of simplicity between us here has got once more contradicted; I feel again
stuck in a small place, and work in the garden is like treading between egos and
mined territories. I wonder whether one must give some consideration to these
reactions, or simply ignore them…
… Later in the day Ar. came to me and delivered the other half of the “confession”:
during this same period, Krishna has also got into a relationship with her, and it
was fine until he rejected her, just a few days ago, very dramatically…!
There we are!
I can’t help, though, seeing the funny side of it! It is somewhat redeeming!
*21-2-1989, Auroville:
Today Tom, Babu and Nagappan put in the new pipes and foot-valve into the well
and secured everything and, at 5 pm, we started the pump; and it worked!
Perhaps this is Your birthday gift! At any rate it shows that You care for this garden
and this place!
First thing this morning, before starting any work, I went and brought one lotus bud
to Krishna, just that; and we hugged each other and it felt alright. But something
must yet be cleared; and when that will happen, a big weight will be lifted and
dissolve from our entire experience together, ever since we met, at Your feet. It is
duplicity, which went in him through the gamut, including hatred. This must go, so
that we continue on Your way.
… I find myself a little withdrawn from Su; there is, I think, a choice for her to
make, freely, on her own, between a range of emotional behaviours and a greater,
more silent and centred womanhood…
*22-2-1989, Auroville:
True to his old unchanged patterns, Krishna has “evicted” Su this afternoon – from
his old house, the one I had built for him, which he’d offered to her for her
workshop… I feel a little lonely, in the sense that, since last year and up until now,
I’d had an impression that perhaps You were claiming both Krishna and I, and
making Your way more tangible in each of us, and that this would make a