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even to oneself… I now see that the way isn’t defined; it cannot be! And it is one
with the Pressure, the very Pressure I am now missing, knowing yet that it only
takes a very slight movement of the consciousness – and the secret is in that slight
movement – to recover awareness of It and thus let It create the new condition, or
clear the ground for it to become possible…
… Su has been having a hard time with my not letting her “look after me” – how to
explain that such solicitude is more tiring than helpful…?!
*12-3-1989, Auroville:
Jaïmurthy, who has been working for them, confirmed this morning that indeed P.M
and Rose and their group have left two nights ago, rather secretly and suddenly
too, taking with them all the books and materials and equipment connected to the
Agenda; his impression is that there’s been some conflict at the Press also… I don’t
understand it; I am afraid that this is all drama and ego-constructed posture;
although I tend to agree with their assessment of Auroville today, I find that, by
supporting one another the way they do, they get blinded as a group to a certain
naked awareness that is so necessary…
*13-3-1989, Auroville:
When I went to Matrimandir this morning, on my way from Janet’s, John H told me
that help is needed with the laying of the marble slabs on the Chamber walls; I
think I’ll try and join from tomorrow on – it will be a good activity to have when JYL
is here, and C and R may also join in now and then…
*14-3-1989, Auroville:
I went up to the Chamber at 9 this morning, to make myself available…
It wasn’t easy. Two things come in the way: generally there’s an atmosphere of
loose talk and little commitment, with a lack of concentration and precision; and
particularly, there’s hostility towards me from at least a couple of people – Andy is
definitely one -, even though there’s also a gentle welcoming on the part of the
others. With Chris, who is supposedly in-charge of the work as he’s learnt the trade
in the US, it goes well and I hope I’ll be able to work with him, at least for the first
few days…
All the while I have been aware of the Pressure, and it gives me a sense of tangible
security that I may stand on my true need and the answer comes…
Yet it oddly doesn’t prevent part of the physical mind to sense, watch and record,
and even to somewhat react or respond to others’ thoughts and movements, just
beneath the surface – it even sort of feed the overriding meditation, which is itself
wrapped in silence and recognition…
*15-3-1989, Auroville:
At Matrimandir today, after an uneasy start, U came up to me and offered that we
work together. I was glad of it as I’ve always been fond of him; we teamed up,
then, and took up a row, and it went well; but he is planning to leave soon, for
quite a while, and so this can only be a temporary arrangement.