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… This morning I was at Matrimandir by 8.30 and ended up working alone and I
found that I can manage alright by myself when it seemed at first that there had to
be a team of 3 to set a row of slabs; it just so happened that no one was there to
help and I simply tried it, and it was fairly harmonious; later Menaig teamed up
with me to fill up the joints, quietly; I was glad of this experience because now I do
not have to depend on anybody else’s presence or regularity in order to do some
useful work… This has always been the problem at Matrimandir for me: I do enjoy
working in a good steady team, but most people here, for one reason or another,
are either too distracted or irregular, while I have this old-fashioned sense of
commitment and discipline, and this difference used to be very depressing…
*22-3-1989, Auroville:
This is the second day in a row that I skip the midday break, and I miss it. It clearly
serves a purpose and helps processing all the accumulated impressions; now I feel
flooded and disturbed, like a house that has been too full.
There were delays and complications in the work this morning, as Piero wanted us
to be more deliberate in the selection of the slabs, which aren’t all of the same
white – this is Carrara white marble, but depending on the original block, the tone
varies from white to silver-white and dove-grey. And then I mixed too much
compound and I had to use it up…
*23-3-1989, Auroville:
I seem to be edging back into a field of external, physical action, and I have some
trouble adapting, assimilating the crowd of energies… I cycled down to the beach
this evening to wash it all away and to centre – it felt like crying, not in sadness,
but in yearning for the real thing, the real silent Action that is Yours exclusively…
… This afternoon after my second daily tour at Janet’s I ended up with John H and
Ramalingam visiting the Aurofuture office at Bharat Nivas and meeting with Roger A
and Catherine over the extension and finishing of the 4 pillars of Matrimandir,
discussing details with them and Jacq… I was surprised to find that they all
assumed I would do the work… I hadn’t realised they’d been talking about it…!
… Gopal just came in with a message from Krishna, that startled me, a little
painfully too! Upon his return from Delhi, he’d given me a small photograph of him,
which he’d had taken for his passport; now, he says, he wants it back, as he feels
insecure in my atmosphere and through me has been “attacked” by a vicious and
nasty energy taking E.B’s form and therefore wants no further contact with me; and
yet, he adds, that doesn’t affect the tenderness he feels for me, which is greater
than he is and beyond his grasp…!
I have sent the picture back with a few words, answering that I didn’t know but
perhaps I ought to say also, then, that deformations coming from him or though
him do cause me trouble as well…?
I wish, though, that he would break away from this false occultism and be more
honest about his own movements…!
Yet I don’t know, Douce Mère… It all seems to belong to that false world of shadow
– I don’t want to be part of it in any way, I don’t want it to use me in any way; but
over the years I have come to the understanding that it will continue to assume
reality as long as there remains in us any trace of dishonesty and crookedness…
From the standpoint of that subjected consciousness, even You were used by it…