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lower the sound; but he resisted and at once became extremely angry and raved at
me for acting “superior” and what of all my “trips” which he had to bear all the time
– this with a heavily loaded meaning which I found revolting – on “other levels”…
And there we were. Rather than admitting that, yes, he could indeed make it
bearable by simply lowering the volume, he turned on to me using the same old
used trick of labelling me as a dark and treacherous being, as others were wont to
do…
And for part of the night I was back before the pit: what do they mean exactly?
What are these “trips” of mine? And I still do not have the answer, because no one
has ever come out with a frank and straight definition to my face…
But he did lower the volume, once he’d let the steam out…!
And, later, despite the ugliness of the moment, I contacted a sort of inner purpose,
that is, the validity of what I can and must learn in it, from You; however difficult it
may be, still it is worth it; because there won’t be “another time”, there won’t be
one more failure and other attempts to redeem it; it is now that what we have
failed to learn in the past must at last be learned.
And each one is alone with the Lord. And it is right.
On the other shore, in the other condition, in the true consciousness once it will be
manifest, there will be togetherness, for real.
But first one must pass. One must offer and let go.
*7-3-1989, Auroville:
Ar. just brought me a letter from JYL confirming his arrival in April, along with C. It
is a happy letter. I wish, though, he’d chosen another time, after C and R’s stay
here; the prospect of this daily concentration or crowding for a whole month makes
me wince already; it becomes unreal when situations claim to be so exceptional,
and I don’t quite understand why it has to be that way…
I found myself tired and depressed this morning; it is wrong and I must react out of
it, I know, but it took me by surprise; at dawn N came and he wanted to finish all
the loading and transport work today itself; I gave him some heavy lecture, but I
was near tears and he saw that I’ve had enough… This was meant to take half a
day only but, as it happened, at noon the cart got a puncture and so it is all
delayed again.
But this is direct experiencing of how subtle disharmony and confusion intrude in
the behaviour of Matter and circumstances. I am only a couple of steps removed
and I still do not clearly know how to counteract or prevent the advent of
disharmony; I am learning to do it in myself, but there must be an objective
movement allowing one to be instrumental in that for others as well…
*11-3-1989, Auroville:
It is puzzling. I have nothing to show for this “illness”, but I am extra careful not to
let the liver give in; I am not actually feeling weak, but it is very clear that I must
rest and that there is a disorder of some amplitude and a mobilisation of healing
processes throughout the body – a small additional thing can tire me out in a
second…
… And Ar. brought me news that, were I to dwell on it, would make me even sicker:
it seems that the entire team working on Your Agenda here, the “Mira-Aditi” team,
have now officially left Auroville, announcing that “the Agenda is leaving Auroville”…
I don’t want to look at this: I’d go straight into the hole… Somehow, I now feel that
I am growing out of something, of a kind of bubble, in relation to Auroville, to You,