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difference in terms of harmony here and around us, receptive and creative
harmony… Even though I do not want to give importance to the present
movements, they still show that there’s no real change; and that bothers me: time
is passing!
*23-2-1989, Auroville:
This morning I was unaccountably tired and hazy, and feeling invaded. At times the
delicate equilibrium between our purpose here and the daily grind of the village life
around us gets strained, and I day-dream about closing this place down and doing
all the work myself (which wouldn’t be right); the weight of this pulling multitude of
needs can come in waves sometimes, and also act as a very subtle deformation…
*25-2-1989, Auroville:
The weather is greying, heavier, as if collecting rain. I’ve been fighting depression
all day: Shankar and Uma have left at dawn, left Auroville, gone away. I am sad
about it. Not that I didn’t disagree with their pretence and attitude; what makes me
sad in such moments is that it seems there isn’t anymore an active Force of Change
in Auroville – and without It there would be no purpose whatsoever in this place…
G.M has gone; Shankar has now gone, others have also gone; Krishna is repeating
old patterns; nothing ever seems to move into another condition, truer, new,
unknown… Meanwhile, more and more people come to Auroville and stay, for
reasons I do not comprehend, and relate to one another in ways that make no
sense to me…
… N was sick this morning, with fever, cough and headache, and slept it off in the
store-room; and after lunch he came to me and we met, quietly. I had needed it.
… I don’t know how to progress, Mother, if the Force isn’t doing it; I can only push,
with a nameless need for That to exist, instead of “me”, instead of this…
*26-2-1989, Auroville:
Last night performance at Bharat Nivas was wonderful, perfect, and I nearly cried
when the troupe came back onstage to salute; there was a large crowd attending,
with people from Pondy and Madras and there was even a Catholic nun!
Chandralekha’s work made everyone happy.
… Without the awareness of the Pressure, it all seems to be at a standstill. I may
have glimpses of a more conscious condition, but the fact remains of a bare waiting
in the physical consciousness – waiting for It to act, to flow. And most of the
waiting is made up of maintenance: of the body, as of the surroundings; this is
about the only responsibility I feel is “mine”, in the sense of accepting to be still
separate…
*27-2-1989, Auroville:
Ar. came to bring me the mail and a telegram, which she had already opened and
shown to Krishna, from C, announcing that he need not move, that it is all settled
and his papers will be waiting for him at the Embassy in Delhi… Brave C! There was
also a letter from her with some puzzling news: it seems that R’s new-found son
has been diagnosed with AIDS – with R himself being involved in the research
work…