833 / 1424
833
accepted that, this being the only activity that has been indicated to me lately, I’d
better get on with it… So I am making the sketches and calculations…
… There is this sense that, whatever and however, the Guidance is sovereign and
contains all, and nothing that happens can ever be outside of It – can be anything
else, in truth, than an expression of It…
*3-3-1989, Auroville:
I seem to have made a big fool of myself, as it appears that, technically, those two
people, Guy and Tina, had already signed a statement of “no ownership” when they
signed the first admission sheet at the time they were accepted as newcomers;
only they hadn’t remembered it, or not paid attention to it; and it seems that
nowadays, when one is later accepted as an “Aurovilian”, one doesn’t have to
confirm such commitments, that once is enough… I had to withdraw my objection,
and Su was quite embarrassed for having misled me… Yet, in retrospect, I still have
the same feeling, that these people do not care and it isn’t right for them to move
in…
… But I am also sorry to have made such a wind; even though I haven’t been
aware of any unease when I raised the issue, I am not proud of stirring the air;
there’s enough turbulence as it is!
Oh please, I realise more and more how much I want to feel, to think, to move, to
sense, to “know” only, exclusively, what You want me to; and how anything else,
short of that, is hollow, sterile and vain…
*4-3-1989, Auroville:
I have started to spend some time every day at Matrimandir, on my way to or from
Janet’s; and it’s like a bit of vacation, just being around people there, and it’s also
interesting to find out how much awareness can remain while interfacing, mingling
externally; I generally have to talk more these days, if only at Janet’s, as she is
very talkative; and I still feel somewhat at home at Matrimandir, at least with those
who are involved in its daily work…
*5-3-1989, Auroville:
Rad has just finished loading and carrying away his pile of bricks; so, I find that my
duty to him is now done.
I am feeling much quieter, much less affected than I’d expected, after last night’
incident. P had thrown a “party” for Dayini’s birthday; and a party today in Auroville
means as much racket as one can afford, with the help of this loud, repetitive,
dumb contemporary music (pop or disco I don’t know, I’ve lost track) to which is
added the restless noise of about 20 motor-cycles and the near-constant shouting
of the thick, poor and callous exhibition of “fun”, the kind of joyousness that makes
me shrink and recoil from human race… And all this carries out for miles around in
the quiet night of Auroville… Till 11 pm I held myself in check, reasoning that it
couldn’t possibly last much longer; but the whole show was so devouring of the
atmosphere, it reached right where I was like a violation, the violence of sound, as
a terribly clear sign of how Auroville is being misused and Your Gift being wasted…
And I don’t know where I’d go if I had to leave this place, if Auroville became just
an ordinary failure… This became unbearable and I started crying; then I realised
that, instead of letting it cornering me into a pocket of despair, I could stand for the
objectivity of the Gift… I went down and over to Patrick’s and asked him to please