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841
… The issues at Matrimandir are occupying me constantly now; but I have found
that it all gives to the inner progress a field that is more integral, that it actualises
it… In this way I am able to persevere in trying to break through a set of
resistances and contradictions which lay over the work like an affliction…
… Mother, let me grow out of all shadows and become whole at Your feet…
The very meaning of wholeness has changed its nature for me now: it is when That
is…
*7-4-1989, Madras:
I guess I am not quite realising that, in a moment, besides C, I shall see and touch
JYL, after 13 years or so… Perhaps it is because we are inwardly so close that it’s
outgrown the need to see each other physically, as if it had been replaced by a
sharing of another nature…
Fasten me to Your way, Mother…
*8-4-1989, Auroville:
JYL worked with me in the Chamber all morning. And C came with me to Janet’s
this afternoon…
… In human terms, Matrimandir seems to be in a precarious moment; but I am
given to feel and see things from another position, as of the beginning of Your way,
Your wonderful way: it isn’t all poetic, it isn’t “ideal”, it isn’t bliss, but it is one step
removed from the ego’s world, one step closer to the true world…
*9-4-1989, Auroville:
I am 39 today. Even though I knew well that both C and JYL were glad to be with
me on that day, I still managed to have forgotten all about it when I woke up this
morning… But, there have been lots of gifts, with a real affection, from C and JYL
and from Su and Ar.…
*11-4-1989, Auroville:
I couldn’t avoid going back to “Ravena”, so that C and JYL could see it completed. I
knew that I’d be saddened, or angered, by the state I’d find it in; I have put it all
out of my active consciousness, not knowing what to do about it short of declaring
war… And so we went, in the morning, and I found the place exactly as I had feared
or expected it would be – neglect, carelessness, dirt everywhere, and the pervading
sense of indifference: the ordinary life… Yet the place cannot be denied its true
nature: despite the chaos, there’s still the high quality of that space… I can’t help
asking “why, Mother, didn’t You accept the offering of “Ravena?”, as if You were
responsible for people’ consciousness… But aren’t You, somehow?
… It is a delight to be working with JYL in the Chamber. But now the dominant or
prevalent mind-set, the group condition, begins to affect me like a weight; in the
first days I still had the distance to allow me to bring in a different energy and
commitment, and this had harmonious consequences; but little by little I have
begun to rely on the general atmosphere, instead of relying exclusively on You, and
to expect some communication, a movement and a flow… And this is wrong; I know
that I must shift, and have no expectations whatsoever, except from the Force… I
must find the time to concentrate – and this itself nowadays is a bit of a challenge,
given my “family scene”…!