844 / 1424
844
*10-5-1989, Auroville:
I don’t know what is truly expected of one, in terms of “action”, of initiative… The
situation around Matrimandir, between the people who are concerned with its work,
is very weird. One ought to feel a very clear necessity to initiate some process of
resolution, but I feel no support from the Pressure, no indication to move one way
or another. Everyone is stuck in some absurd, particular position; the group that
has formed around Piero wants Arjun out, and ugly masks are worn; John H is
confused; and there is such incontinence all around, and all this “having fun”…
I still believe that to start the work on the pillars can help clear out the atmosphere,
even if that implies the enacting of conflicting attitudes for a while. I don’t
understand anything, really; to me Matrimandir is such a simple evidence, so
packed with Force, that it can only be a joy to let it reveal itself, down to the very
last detail of the Gardens… But one is trapped instead between two minds, Roger
A’s and Piero’s, and nothing moves…
*11-5-1989, Auroville:
I am trying to attune to a clear and steady energy towards all aspects of the work
of Matrimandir. Late afternoon I spent time again cleaning up the Model room and
re-arranging it so we can use it as a study room for all the drawings, and this time
John H, Narayana and all the workshop boys came to help…
*12-5-1989, Auroville:
The weather is very heavy. There has been trouble in three of the surrounding
villages and a lot of our people, for fear of being taken by the police, are sleeping
away from home, in the woods and fields, and some even under the banyan tree, N
among them…
*13-5-1989, Auroville:
It’s like I have gone dormant – reading a good novel, working, eating, resting,
cycling, and letting myself float on some degree of desire, vague and expectant,
like a veil…
This evening I cycled down to the beach and walked there a long time; but I didn’t
centre, didn’t reach; and somehow it doesn’t matter; there is a rhythm of
assimilation, a kind of levelling, the weight of unity among the parts…
*14-5-1989, Auroville:
For some mysterious reason, I have only recently realised, and perhaps come to
terms with, the fact that my mind has long ago abdicated before You and Your
Force. And that a large part of my vital has too, although more gradually over the
years; and that there is only that small corner of the emotional and lower vital
connected to sexual energy (and in my case to homosexual forms of it as well) that
still resists; that perhaps without this obstacle which still can throw everything else
off-balance one could walk freely on Your way, and all difficulties would be related
to the walking, and within the way…