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guarantee that it will be durable, and the whole point of this monumental
architecture is so pretentious, and so essentially meaningless, or useless… The
entire array of positions taken by people around this issue is enough to drive one to
madness or at any rate to take one’s leave of reason for good!
I don’t know what to do, really.
I am again considering trying to work out on my own some alternative proposal –
but what can ever happen to it, something made by “me”? This is truly maddening.
The stubbornness displayed by some people here is seated at a level which I am
not able to reach; it is very odd.
… We could soon start, I suppose, just one pillar extension; perhaps that will help…
But to move materially in the midst of such blindness is rather a dubious
challenge… Where to seek help?
*13-6-1989, Auroville:
After talking with Catherine, and with Piero, separately, I don’t see any other way
now than to try and figure a simple, cohesive alternative to the whole design; but it
doesn’t feel right that I should do it; so, how?
I see that my impatience was premature and vain. Now I do not want to start this
work, because it is too blind, it is a piece-meal advance, and I don’t find
Matrimandir’s support for that.
It is somewhat attractive to just withdraw and let things follow their course; but
isn’t this very attitude far too well represented already, and generating this
atmosphere of imbalance and inertia…?
… This evening I went to visit with Selvam at his house on the beach – the house
that D has sort of built “for him”. I find he is at some dead-end, and I feel for him.
He wants so much to go away, and be released from his two families for a while,
and to have other experiences of his own life than the one he’s always had of
working, since a child, to support his own people… I am moved by his need and
would help him if I can, but my own longing is too strong at the moment and my
own selfishness is in the way…
*15-6-1989, Auroville:
Selvam is leaving tonight to the hills with Janah, for several days, to prepare the
summer camp. He bade me farewell this morning after the work. And this afternoon
I began to open again to, or to regain awareness of, the Pressure; I felt acutely
how I’d been like pinned down within a tight closed room for weeks, due to this
new-born attachment; it wasn’t so much that a weight was lifted as that some
contrary magnet ceased to act, and the physical consciousness could expand again
and reach within and above…
… Shano was waiting for me when I returned for my walk on the beach this
evening, and I made dinner for both of us; he’s been quiet, unobtrusive. He gave
me, though, more depressing news of “Ravena” (where he still stays at night as a
kind of guardian): it does seem that I have failed my duty there, by leaving it into
the wrong hands…
*16-6-1989, Auroville:
This morning Narayana came to replace Selvam as my helper, and it went alright,
he had good concentration and we worked well and finished the 7th row; I have
much respect for him…