855 / 1424
855
*24-6-1989, Auroville:
The meeting at Matrimandir this morning started rather dangerously; Mauna had
posted her letter of resignation and sent Ed to return all keys, and it seems that
yesterday Ed had already come to threaten Arjun; and so there were first all kinds
of heavy arguments back and forth, until everyone agreed to concentrate on work
matters, and thereafter it proceeded rather well, for once; I was even able to
announce that work on one pillar extension was ready to start, and there was no
opposition… And so, from next week on, I’ll begin to work at Matrimandir in the
afternoon as well, along with Ramalingam’s team…
*25-6-1989, Auroville:
Sunday routine…; at noon Shano came, sort of wanting to let go and to meet, but
not knowing how to go about it… I let him be with me a moment…
Later, during my afternoon rest, Krishna came into my dream needing me, and
ready to acknowledge how rotten he’d acted… I know from repeated experience
that whenever Krishna and I meet in our sleep, it does mean something actual; this
is one relationship in this life where the dream state is conscious and directly
relevant, sometimes even more real than physical life…
*26-6-1989, Auroville:
Selvam came back to work this morning, and Narayana kept gently teasing me
because I couldn’t help my happiness; but as I am still uncertain of how much
Selvam wants our friendship to develop, I find myself also burdened with the
weight of something too vital or too one-sided, alone with that same old longing…
*27-6-1989, Auroville:
Even though the Pressure has been there all day, steady and immobile and
wonderful, there were moments of tension in the morning, when I nearly slipped
and fell off the scaffold… I find there’s been some disharmony in my work since LN
insisted to take up one entire section of a wall on his own, and he is so devoid of
any team-spirit and so separate and such an arguer for each and every detail, that
it has thrown the pace of the work off-balance; and today both Piero and I got
upset at him for making it so complicated, at which Narayana, who’d been trying to
help LN, got angry at me, and that pained me most… I want to fix that first thing
tomorrow, it is no good like that…
… It is the beginning of the work at the pillar; there are hesitations and
awkwardness and I am not too sure how to proceed most effectively: I need to be
very calm and focussed and go step by step…
*28-6-1989, Auroville:
All morning at work, even though the Pressure was there with its immobile love,
and Selvam was with me, sweet and quiet, I felt like crying, because of Narayana’s
change of attitude over the incident with LN; he is now closed and unsmiling, just
as unhappy as I am but determined to remain separate; I don’t mind LN: even if I
find him unnerving, as most of us do, I do not resent him; but to see this beautiful
Narayana get clouded over by such a silly argument feels like a pain… Even Piero
came to me very gently to tell me he hadn’t been able to convince LN to do better,
because the other team, Andy’s, wasn’t either… I get a sense of disharmony being