860 / 1424
860
I trust that if such a team is formed in an attitude of genuine seeking, with no
partiality involved, everyone will collaborate and be sober enough not to flood them
with recriminations.
At the close of that given period of time this team could then submit its conclusions
to the community at large.
Please respond to the Auroville Council or to Matrimandir, to begin coordination.
Divakar”
*3-7-1989, Auroville:
This was an odd evening. I cycled off, after 5pm, towards the beach; a little way
past “Dana” I got a puncture; I thought about it and decided to go on, and I jogged
the rest of the way, pushing the cycle with one hand… about 5 miles down to the
beach… And while running, my present involvement in the issues at Matrimandir
cleared up…! I saw that I didn’t have to “do” anything, but to continue my work
there and let the drama unfold, but that I could give copies of my proposal to a few
people, just as a seed. A weight was lifted away.
I reached Selvam’s house and he made tea and showed me the work he’d done in
his garden… I told him candidly all the feelings I had toward him, and that I wanted
him to feel free and not forced into any relationship he wouldn’t be at ease with; I
saw that he wasn’t comfortable with all these words, but he said that his life had
begun to change since we met and that he wanted our friendship to continue and
develop… I felt a space there, big and deep and real, but I am still confused by my
own longings and by some response in him for which he has no living reference… It
is troubling, but also wonderful…
I got the cycle fixed in the village and rode back at dark…
*4-7-1989, Auroville:
Shano came to have dinner with me, and it took me off the pain… There were
moments today when I could have howled: the human animal! The pain was raw;
like an exposed wound… All my life I have longed and yearned for this impossible
relationship, like an inheritance: a free friendship with a man that would be
intimate and spiritual at once… Along the road, I have met parts of one or the
other, but never both at the same time. The accumulated defeats make this longing
so terribly acute, I’d kill myself if I didn’t know all I now know, as I did try to kill
myself and nearly succeeded when I was in my teens… But I remember then, as a
moment ago while listening to Your Agenda and doing the asanas, that this too is
given by the Lord, it can but come from Him, and I must accept it and let it do the
work that must be done… I didn’t look for Selvam; he came to me when I was
concentrating in my work in the Chamber, and it is only then that I opened again to
the possibility… But it has trapped me into such a confined and narrow space in my
own nature; I have been struggling since, and see still no way out…
Mother, it isn’t easy to have one’s private nature denied constantly by life; it only
makes it more difficult for one to offer it to the Change…