The Gazette 1986

GAZETTE

APRIL 1986

negotiation skills.

the biggest stumbling block for the couple in reaching

an agreement is coping with the emotional issues of

anger, guilt, rage, rejection, fear of loneliness, and

above all sadness at the pending loss of hopes and

dreams, and of letting go the good times as well as the

bad memories. The most difficult task for the mediator

is being able to deal with the fluctuating emotional

needs of the couple. This is described as "using rational

strategies"

and

includes

"nurturing,

empathy,

sympathetic listening, interpretation and reframing".

(Haynes, 1984)

. The Mediator legitimatizes the feelings

in order to help the couple reach the next stage of

negotiation; in this way it differs from separation

counselling and therapy which focuses on helping the

couple to explore the feelings in order to resolve the

relationship conflict.

Agreements

No two separation agreements will look alike no

matter how carefully or uniformly the "He a d s" of

agreement are worked out. Each family has different

needs and indeed some agreements are definitely 'Irish-

solutions-to-Irish-problems'. They would hardly stand

up in any court of law, but they are the agreements that

the couples believe they can live with. For example, in

relation to the family home, in 29°/o of cases, the wife

continued to live in the family home with the children;

in 20%, the husband remained in the family home with

the children; in 3%, the family homes were sold; and a

further 3% agreed to live apart but actually remained in

the family home F" cause of inheritance and other

financial and emotional complications. It is important

to distinguish the spousal issues from the parenting ones

and to carefully work out rules relating to parenting the

children, e.g. discipline, buying clothes, grandparents

visiting,

school

reports,

holidays,

etc.

These

arrangements can be fraught with difficulties but the

mediator needs to be aware that each couple/family has

its own self correction mechanism.

Because the family is an organic changing system,

there is nothing final about a separation agreement

except perhaps the sale of property. Children grow up,

attitudes and needs change. Couples who learn

negotiation skills in mediation can continue to use these

skills as circumstances change, either between

themselves or with the help of the mediator.

Mediation can also be used in other family disputes,

e.g. in negotiating the care of an elderly relative, in

adoption and foster care, or in disputes between the

extended families.

Some Value Issues

The most important single issue arising out of

mediation is perhaps the shift from the notion of blame

to that of responsibility. Our institutions, particularly

the Church and the State have a linear view of families

and see them as continuous, stable systems, so that a

crisis such as marital breakdown is perceived as a failure

or a mistake. And, if the couple could somehow be

counselled or receive therapy it would become a

" no rma l" marriage. In the same way annulment and

divorce are perceived by some, as a way of getting rid of

a "defective" member and that the remaining members

represent the " r e a l" or " no rma l" family. This is

simplistic view of the complexity of marital and family

relationships. Some families need to break up in order

to survive.

Couples have ways of evolving from dysfunctional

and destructive patterns of behaviour in the marriage

into new and more constructive family arrangements

after separation when they each take responsibility for

these arrangements.

Some couples are able to finalise a separation

agreement after two session in mediation, whereas for

others it may take six to eight sessions. Some are unable

to use mediation, and rely on arbitration, only to reject

or 'sabotage' the arbitrator's decisions at some later

date.

The commitment of the present Government to

setting up a Pilot Family Mediation Scheme before

divorce legislation would be introduced is unique to

Ireland. Mediation evolved in the U.S.A., Canada and

other European countries in response to the frustration

felt by some divorcing couples with the adversarial

system.

Because there are no divorce procedures in Ireland

there tends to be less pressure on couples to finalise their

separation agreements. On the one hand this allows time

for 'trial-separation' or short-term contracts, but on the

other hand it prolongs the state of 'limbo' and

uncertainty. Couples may go through the mediation

process and then baulk at signing the agreement because

they are unable to give themselves permission to

separate. The religious and cultural value of indissolu-

bility of marriage puts many couples in a double bind.

Theodore Makin, the Jesuit Theologian, in his book,

"Divorce and Remarriage" describes very well the

double bind of indissolubility of Christian Marriage.

The mediator needs to recognise and respect the

couple's right to re-fashion their lives according to their

own values. The mediator's ability to recognise this

need and to pay attention to it is a major factor in

successful third-party intervention.

Implications for Training

Mediators in the U.S.A., Canada, U.K. and Australia

tend to come from among social workers and the Legal

Professions. All have specific training in mediation

which includes core skills in negotiation and counselling

and in working knowledge of family law, family

systems, child development, grief work, tax laws

relating to the family, budgeting, etc.

The ideal solution is to have a team of mediators from

different disciplines with a common training in

mediation, working in the same agency. The team could

then provide peer support and supervision. Mediation

work is considered by some to be emotionally

treacherous and therefore the mediator if she/he wishes

to be a skilled helper needs to be "committed to his or

her own growth, emotional, physical, intellectual, social

and spiritual". (Egan, 1982)

There is a need for on-going training, evaluation and

research in mediation, and for an open flexible

approach in the use of different models and strategies.

An established code of practice, suitable to the needs of

this country is important if the service is to have

credibility and the goodwill of the community.

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