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*18-9-1979, Auroville:
C.E went alone to Pondy for the day. I felt miserable at first. But in the afternoon I
began to recover and quietened, bathed in the magic of the September light, the
graceful harmony of here – the house and the trees and the soft presence of Nat,
Rad and Yel tending the garden with me…
This evening P.G came in to talk and share: he says he has realised he was not
being true to himself when he did not respond to a deep instinct in him to fight out
the falsity that is still around – and he means by this the presence of SSJ, of the
takers of “Prosperity”, of the carpenters’ position… - and that he now felt liberated
from a false humility and a dangerous unclarity; and that he would ask me and
Jacq, and our little group, to do it together… I can perceive to some extent what
seems to be guiding him and I wish to trust him and I can also see, in that
perspective, what remains in me of fears, of desires to preserve old alliances…
We are still talking when suddenly Rakhal arrives, with L…! I had been told of her
coming to Auroville and apprehended meeting her, the throw back to the past, to
old identities, to the narrowness of it…
Tonight, C.E and I try and talk, for long; he has gone to enquire about flights to
Europe as, he says, where else could he go if he leaves this house… I keep feeling
we are missing something and we go on instead misunderstanding each other, not
finding our base… I wish I could sincerely say “it is in Your hands!”, but I still have
a will of my own!
We actually seem to be undergoing almost opposite processes: while he needs to
find his own individuality as defined against mine, I seek to be released from the
limits of a well-developed “ego-creation”!
*19-9-1979, Auroville:
At work, it all starts unravelling. G.M enters into a direct conflict with the
carpenters, because he wants to do all the work without them. So I go to them and
tell them it is not going to ease unless they decide to cut their connection, through
money, to SSJ and the SAS; and then it comes out, what all was behind, the
arguments they have been fed, the promises that were made to them, the support
they have been told would be there, the violence they were meant to provoke, so
as to call upon “dozens of paid men”… Seeing the hatred in their eyes, I feel it is
lancing a boil, a necessary process of purification – and that our past insincerity is
to blame for allowing such a situation to form and fester. Yet one is also very much
aware of the necessity not to get caught in the vibration of violence…
… I believe that, to accept an absolute of enmity or adversity is to become its victim
and to loose the battle that was to be fought; I believe that battles, in themselves,
that enemies, or adversaries, are illusions, the outcomes of the condition of our
consciousness, divided and limited still…
This is not easy. How far shall we be helped?
I have no certitude as to whether we are “right” or “wrong”; I just know we are
obeying a need, which is not personal, for transparency, for a clear unity of
aspiration…
*20-9-1979, Auroville:
Early this morning, Yus comes: a full van of police has come to his and Piero’s
house at 2 am in the night, called in by the SAS to “keep law and order at