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lesson enough, it would seem to me, not to repeat it! Yet I also feel that what is in
our hearts, in any of these situations, is alright: it is genuine…
Later, though, I begin to get worried; I cycle over to Matrimandir and find Ruud
alone in the office; then Yus comes and tells us the news: Joss has refused to move
out; the “Certitude” people, along with G.M, Pas, P.G and Claudine have moved into
the Kl’s house; then Th came in a rush, wanting to fight, and hit G.M and Myrtle,
then proceeded to issue on of his “sermons”, while Shradhavan went and called the
police, which was later received by SSJ; afterwards the SAS called the carpenters
and Dietra and Navoditte; and now everybody is packed into that house and the
police is at a loss as to what to do next… I take it that You didn’t want me to be
there, but I feel bad too, out of a sense of solidarity… although Yus assures me no
one was hurt…
… The men ask for half a day leave, because of the sun’ eclipse; they were afraid it
would get fully dark…
… C.E comes to inform me that the Guard is called to “Certitude”; I still feel that I
am not meant to go, but here is a matter of principle: I am part of the Guard, so it
is my duty to go wherever it is called… C.E and I go to the Camp to get Jacq, who
hadn’t wanted to go there either, and we ride over and reach the Kl’s house, a huge
house with a large courtyard where everybody has gathered… After a moment I see
where G.M is, but there is a distance, I cannot reach him and he does not come to
me. The entire scene strikes me as silly and depressing, although there is some
humour in it too…
Then the eclipse happens, just as Jacq and I return to Matrimandir: there is still a
bright light, but the shadows are weird, as if they’d suddenly acquired a third
dimension and a substance of their own; the air becomes like liquid ether, with
strange colours…
… I feel so distressed by the whole situation we are in; there comes an ardent call
for that in me which is love and understanding, freedom and awareness, for that in
me which sees and knows and is compassionate…
I withdraw inside the house, take up my leather work all evening, while
concentrating and, little by little, I begin to breathe again and to trust, to know
again the meaning of trust, in the Lord, through everyone and everything and every
event…
… And it is past 10 pm, and… G.M comes. I am happy he has felt the need to come!
He says that today’ move was wrong, that it belonged to the Mechanics and the
monster, nothing could come out of it; it was a nightmare… He has seen those
people: he has seen Shradhavan full of words on You, full of Your Name, call 20
carpenters and hired men to beat him up wildly, 20 against him alone, and he fell
unconscious for a moment; he has heard Th declare contentedly that he himself
had worked at drawing the list of those of us who must be expelled by the law and
the police; and he has also seen that, by going out of our way, we lost protection;
that the force and protection were with us only when we stood for the space that is
given, in response to an attack…
We are able to laugh again… And G.M says that, whatever happens, the two of us
will resume our work on Matrimandir; this is our strength and our secret…
*18-2-1980, Auroville:
I am wondering, again and again, how to be useful, in which activity to direct
energies and be of service… There is still that sense of guilt whenever I do not feel
“used”… But what is a truly useful activity? Does it exist? I see that, in fact, most
things human beings do are somehow related to their survival and sustenance on