286 / 1424
286
with the rules and limits set by any of those groups out of the smallness of their
faith, and she began to see how “sects” operated and to become very cautious and
wary about following literally any “message” or “revelation”…
… While in town, I check once more at V’s: this time, although the shutters are still
closed I find the front door unlocked and a woman answers to my call and ushers
me in… I see V there, ask her if C.E is also there; she leads me into her small room,
steeped in a greenish penumbra; C.E is lying there, on cushions laid on he floor;
the atmosphere makes me uneasy; I am upset that he wouldn’t even send a word
to us… He is sweet, but I find an unsettled depth in his eyes, and vagueness… This
makes me angry and I leave, a little shaken…
I don’t quite know what it is; perhaps they have had some positive experience, but
to my sense there’s something wrong, as if they were trying to return to a womb-
like state, and I just feel like breaking it…!
… Krishna says he has been wanting to be with me alone all these days, as he has
been feeling unwell, but has hesitated to add on the weight of G.M’s needs… We
agree that he will come and spend the night-watch with me… He and A.R resume a
brief contact they’d had when he had come to join me in France…
… A.R comes to me. I had offered it yesterday, as a friend and to honour our
friendship, but she had then been afraid; now she comes forward and I give her as
much tenderness as I can… But I don’t know if I’ll ever find a human woman in
whose reality and substance I’d become whole, to whom I could give myself really,
who could receive me really… In You I am fulfilled, Mother…!
I get a little scared that we might have conceived, even though I have learned to
be prudent – it happened 4 times in the past, with two of my friends, and there
were 4 abortions, and I still feel bad about it; but I do not want to conceive “by
accident”; and I still haven’t met the woman I would want to…
We talk quietly. I tell her of friendship, of the inner contentment to recognise one
another and to care; she tells me how my attitude has helped her and what she
now understands are her priorities, without fear… I find her observations very
precise and an expression of her own courage and I am thankful for it…
… Krishna joins me at the night-watch; we sit together out in the open, alone with
Matrimandir. Communicating with him, my own questions regarding the man-
woman equilibrium become clearer... There are two things that I do not accept: one
is that there seems to be inevitably a plunge into unconsciousness at the moment
of “union” between man and woman; there is some gulf there that ought not to
exist… And then there is the sense that to give myself to a woman would
automatically split me, deprive me of my own completeness; because I actually do
not believe in this “complementarity”, in this “law” by which a man cannot be a
complete person and neither can a woman, without meeting “the other half”… What
I do believe is that, on the contrary, each person must, whether a man or a
woman, find first one’s own completeness, then only can any meeting begin to
make sense, and an infinite richness of life be released…
*7-2-1980, Auroville:
We start preparing the dinner very early, so we can all attend the PT meeting later.
There is a bit of confusion around me; I drop a pan of boiling water, it splashes all
over me, and it hurts! I then go into an active silence, not accepting, not letting any
suggestions work, and the pain recedes, the effects neutralised…
… Jacq takes both A.R and I on her bike, over to “Tapoloka”. I have taken a
sweater this time! I am nursing a cold and I sit on a chair. Cl.B arrives and sits
right against me on the floor – both G.M and B.B are in Bangalore for a few days